Our new blog!

Hi, this is a formal invitation to come on over to our new blog. Instead of witty banter between Graham and Marc, you'll now be treated to witty banter between Graham, Marc, Reid, and a couple other dudes I think. Here's the link, http://www.thehubbubists.blogspot.com/ Vote Obama.

Moving on

I will be joining Marc at our new blog, whereupon we shall embark on a new exodus of extraneous existentialism and extinguishing arguments. Excitement exceeds extreme exaggeration. Hypberbole metaphore onomatopoeia, bark tweet meow.

To my beloved Readers

I am sorry to inform you that this is my last post. The creative outflow that has been produced by this site has forced me to focus my passions elsewhere. G-Detroit, please check your email to understand my reasoning.

Samuel Melville (Part 2 of 2)

In 1969, Sam's shinanigan's finally got him arrested. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison, but the term was reduced to 15 years within his first year. He spent time in state and federal prison's, being transferred around. In his first year in prison, he made two escape attempts. neither attempt was successful, although in one attempt he beat up a guard, tied him up with his own belt, and continue running before being caught by another guard. Because of these attempts of escape, he was transferred to Attica. Attica is a very high security prison in New York. Here is one of his correspondences from prison:

"I think the combination of age and a greater coming together is responsible for the speed of the passing time. It's six month's now since my arrest and i can tell you truthfully few periods in my life have passed as quickly. i am in excellent physical and emotional health. there are doubtless subtle surprises ahead but i feel secure and ready. i read much, excercise, talk to guards and inmates, feeling for the inevitable direction of my life."

In prison, Sam played an enormous amount of chess. he even had a game of chess going with his son, and every letter they sent to each other, they made one move. Here is Sam's advice on chess: "In chess, contrary to popular thinking, the bold aggressive stroke, the brilliant sacrifice will almost invariably triumph over the devious, prudent maneuver. great regis! a lesson for the revolution."

Sam spent his time in prison, mainly reading Marx, Lenin and various revolutionary publications of the 1970's. The guards were very skeptical about letting Sam read this material, and often they took it away from him. But he was a revolutionary at heart, and his diet required a great deal of Marx. Sam kept in contact with his lawyer that defended him in his trial. He was hoping to use the lawyer to take up action against the penetentiary system, and get better rights for prisoners. When this did not happen, Sam got involved in the Attica prison riots of 1971.

Before the riot, the prisoners were given one shower per week and one roll of toilet paper per month. In response to a prisoner at another penetentiary being killed, the prisoners of Attica rioted. 1000 of the 2200 prisoners in Attica rioted taking 33 corrections officers hostage. They had 27 demands which they wanted the authorites to give into. The police on the outside, were willing to grant the 27 demands, however they would not grant amnesty for the prisoners invovled in the riot (they wanted to add more years to the sentences of the prisoners). Therefore, the prisoners refused to end their upheaval.


(Here is a picture of the prisoners in Attica during the riot. They spent a lot of time in the main yard. Many of the prisoners were Black Panthers.)


The prisoners held the prison for 4 days, before the state police were sent in to regain it. They fired tear gas into the main-yard, and then fired their shotguns into the smoke non-stop for two minutes. They eventually succeeded in regaining the prison, at the expense of killing nine of the hostages and 28 inmates. Sam was one of the inmates that was killed, willing to die rather than let the state guards re-take the prison.



All Sam knew was revolution. Karl Marx was his Jesus Christ. And every opportunity he got, Sam dedicated to revolution in whatever form possible. I found one quote of Samuel Melville on the topic of Che Gueverra, which is very relevant to the topic of this post. Sam said "While che may be an internationalist revolutionary his thoughts were always anchored to latin needs of liberation from yankee imperialism. his political line was humanist only after it was socialist. che never dealt with a post industrialist society, not that i heard of".

Samuel Melville (Part 1 of 2)

Samuel Melville was an anti-Vietnam protestor and a vehement opponent of American Imperialism. He began his activism working for a left-wing newspaper in New York City. Later in his activism, he started bombing buildings in the united states. Here is an account of conversation that Samuel Melville had, with the love of his life, during the first few months they knew each other:

“This country’s about to go through a revolution,” he told her. “I expect it to happen before the decade is over and I intend to be a part of it.”

“That winter the talk around our kitchen table turned increasingly to guerrilla action,” Jane remembered. “The argument went like this: if the movement was dying, it was because the movement had never really learned how to fight. We had to stop acting like coddled children, scared off by a few arrests, a couple canisters of tear gas.”

Samuel's vision was a world where his own thought, was not influenced by state forces. He takes the typical Marxist paranoia of the state, and moulds it into an incredible revolutionary force.

The first time Sam ever went to a protest, police were raiding a student strike at Columbia University. Sam tried to convince the students to fight back and started dragging 50-gallon garbage cans to the roof of the Low Library to hurl onto the police below. He tried to get the students to join him, but they only scattered in fear and confusion. Police grabbed Sam in the act, dragged him into a building, clubbed him and left him tied to a chair. Sam could never understand why nobody would fight back.

Che Guevera's of Our Generation

Che is an interesting human in Western History. He is a man that devoted himself to bettering the world. As a Marxist, he saw the Capitalist systems infringing upon the world, so he decided to fight the Capitalists.

Regardless whether one is a capitalist or a marxist, Che is a heroe that fought for what he believed in. He went to Cuba with his buddy Castro, and through Guerilla warfare, he and a handful of troops took over the entire country. A small group of men defeating an entire army would be impossible today; yet somehow he accomplished this feat. And once he got into power, he implemented the type of policies that he thought would be for the betterment of the world: marxist policies.

People that have visions, but at the same time must use violence to acheive their vision, are often labelled as terrorists in today's world. Over the next few weeks, i will be compiling posts within the framework of, "Che Guevera's of our Generation: the Man behind the terrorist". It will focus on men (and maybe women), who advocated change, but who did outside of the sphere of mainstream thought. People that thought the government and media's vision for change was boring, so they decided instead to implement their own vision.

Evolutionary problems of Hegelian Dialectics.

When I read Marc's last post I instantly thought of the process of evolution and the state of symbiosis between organisms, or, more accurately, the failed forms of symbioses between the host organism and the malignant bacteria. Man cannot survive without the bacteria inhabiting his gut, and in fact the bacteria themselves have, in their evolutionary cycle, incorporated parts of other bacteria and cells to form their makeup. One great example is the cilia, or motile hair-like structures on some types of paramecium. They're little dinky legs that, in some past time, were themselves little critters until they found they could exist not by themselves, but only as a complement to a sessile organism, like the original single celled animals. That stage could even be considered a Hegelian Dialectic: the paramecium was nothing, the cilia were nothing, but their differences are what eventually defined them as a unified structure. So interestingly enough, certain forms in nature actually appear to embrace, if temporarily, this idea of opposition as a form of evolution.

Another example is the Thorn Acacia tree in Africa and the giraffe. This is a very famous example of evolutionary warfare. As the giraffes got better and better at eating the trees, they evolved longer and longer thorns. The tree being Mcain and the giraffe being Obama, we start to see the resemblance. The giraffe cant exist without the tree, the tree without the giraffe, but they are in constant opposition, and since neither would be alive without each other, and existence is the incontrovertible proof of perseverence... their differences, do in fact, define them as living organisms. You may be thinking "ya, but the tree will be fine, dipshit", except that's not how fucking evolution and population control works you communist bastards, the tree will outgrow it's land and suck the continent dry without any control until eventually no diversity occurs, evolution stops and desertification completely destroys the African continent because all that's left is dead trees and really annoyed giraffes, except they wont have an opposite to define themselves with, and they'll die.

That may not make a lot of sense in retrospect and actually has very little to do with Hegelian Dialectics, but it was still fun to think about.

The hegelian Dialectic

Graham made a really good point. he said something along the lines of artists decide they are artists, not by what they are, but by what they are not. It seems like artists have a cases of the hegelian dialectic. Hegel was a 19th century philospher from somewhere in Europe. He said that all progress of knowledge, takes place within a dialectic framework. a dialectic looks like this: I_I

There are two polar opposites. Both define themselves by negation. The one on the left is Barack Obama. He is not Barack Obama because he is black and charismatic. Rather he is Barack Obama because he is not old and a war mongrol. John McCain is on the right. he does not define himself as a man that is good at running the economy. rather, he is not a terrorist and not new to the game of politics.

Now that one has defined themselves, through the process of negation, they are in a better position to understand the "other". They can then both compromise, and move forward in a shared persepctive.

I
I_I
I_I_I
I_I_I_I

Eventually, everything will be negated, and the entire world will join hands in believing excactly the same thing.

Cool? No fucking way. This is a dumb way of thinking. Who wants to decide themselves by negation? And also, who wants to compromise? Let people be themselves and fight for their individuality till the death. Fuck you hegel. This video is what i feel i have just done to hegel:

Mormon Church

Today Graham attended a Mormon Church session, which was only about an hour long, and it took place at about 11am. So right off the bat, it's later in the day so I get to sleep in, and it's shorter so I can go to Wendy's after and not spoil dinner. But fast food and sleep are not the only things I took away from this experience. Gather and listen.

Mormons are 90% really, really attractive people. My girlfriend explained it like this, and I think she said it quite eloquently: "The ugly ones don't get married". So, I spent the morning in a room full of very attractive religiously devout people under the age of thirty and over the age of 18. It was essentially a very quiet dance club with no dancing. They were a little heavy handed on the whole "get married now" thing, but that's to be expected and not a really big deal.

Mormons are really, really cool about church activities. Instead of christian church which I attended for... 3 Sundays when I was 9... I felt that they actually could care less if I didn't attend, but that if I were to attend something Mormon-related, I should at least feel like I wanted to be there, and not that I was obligated. Mormons 1, most other religions, 0. They even have things called "fire-sides" which in my mind is a bunch of people sitting around a fire talking, and eating potatoes, but in reality is probably quite different. Also, most events have a "potato bar" which I assume is a table with a ton of different potatoes on it. Like the head Mormon guy said: "there's a potato bar, you cant lose"

They get cool young people to address the crowd. The guy who spoke first was a little bit intense, and teared up a few times, but all in all he was an excellent public speaker and knew his audience. Cough cough, pope, cough cough.

Mormons are actually totally correct about their lessons. Today I learned that you have to be nice to people, and discuss your problems rationally without anger. Is this what church is actually always like? Because I pictured a lot more preaching, and a lot less... actual valuable life lessons.

I'm still an extreme atheist. But I appreciate the religion a lot more now that I've checked it out. There's some strange stuff in the book of Mormon, but all in all, they get a bad rap. Plus, like I said, you could set up a Mormon modeling agency and make a fucking killing.

Situationists have been perverted

Modern situationists are the following:

1) artists who cant make art
2) hipsters, or, see 1)

Situationists used to be really interesting. That video is proof. They were fed up with the society of spectacle and decided to rebel and become some of the first modern anarchists.

Now we have liberal art students who are "fed up" with conventional art, and instead differentiate themselves as completely different, new, without borders and, most importantly, unconcerned with what people think.

The problem with that is... you cannot define yourself by saying "I am not this". You cant say "I am Graham, I am the opposite of Jack Layton". It doesn't work. You need to understand who your are first, and then make your art. Superficial art is done, you can't get away with it anymore, and anyone who thinks they can either aren't artists, or they're lucky enough to have the skills to do graphic design work. Graphic design is the real evolution of the situationist international movement; it's become a way to express other peoples ideas through a filter. Since the filter is your own mind, you can distort, pervert, alter or simply express someones ideas. Graphic designers are rigidly defined but at the same time, expressing a form of anarchical thought. Anyways.

So should we keep the Situationist International ideas in the mainstream? Are they already? Yes, yes. We need to have skepticism, we need bohemians, and punk rock has become so mainstream these days that even bands like Against me!, famous for songs like "i'm an anarchist, baby" are writing love balads to party girls. So be an anarchist and leave me alone, because I'm a filthy liberal and I don't give a fuck. I'm a situationist.

Note: Situationists International did not approve of the words "situationism" or "situationist" when used as a descriptor and not as a proper name, and infact consider the terms "anti-situationist"

So ya, they're hipsters. And thanks for the video Marc, that was probably the only video someone's recommended to me that I've actually watched and been genuinely interested in.

yo graham, check out this video.

-marc

Platform Idea

If i was ever elected Prime minister, i would add the word "optimus" in front of the title. when the Rhinocerous party ran for office, they had many similar ideas, here are a list of my favorites:

-Repealing the law of gravity
-Paving Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot
-Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last
-Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California
-Putting the national debt on Visa
-Making the Trans-Canada Highway one way only
-Donate a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada
-The Rhino Party also declared that, should they somehow actually win an election, they would immediately dissolve and force a second election.

Unfortunately, the Rhino's have not run since the 1990's. There is a party running only in Quebec, called the Neo-Rhino's. The call themselves "Neo", after Neo from the Matrix.

Election Day

Today marks the federal Canadian election. But there is more important news to be broadcasting. The Breatharian institute, is claiming that today is the day that aliens are coming to our planet to take us to another dimension. "A Federation Of Light Space Craft - 2,000 Miles Long Will Appear in our skies on October 14, 2008 ! & The Return of the Masters" So everyone keep your eyes peeled for this ship. It shouldn't be too hard to see in the sky, because it is 2000 miles long.

The Breatharians do not drink water. Instead they only eat quarter pounders from McDonalds and drink diet coke, first thing in the morning before they meditate. They also stare at the sun for half an hour a day, in order to get their energy.

check out their website at: http://www.breatharian.com/

Answer from vote swap

it is not possible to vote against Michael Ignatieff. This because, the vote swap is an anti-harper campaign. it is only made to ensure that the conservatives don't win. Right now, the Conservative is in second place in the riding. a vote for anyone besides ignatieff, would increase the odds of a conservative win. darn

todays polls:

Nanos: Conservatives 33 and Liberals 27

Harris Decima: Conservatives 35 Liberals 26

Vote Swapping

this is a letter that i made to the vote swapping campaign on facebook. Yes, i used facebook, I used my roomate Reid's. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. We had to use this thing called an application; whatever that is supposed to mean. I got Reid to do most of the work.


Hi there,

i live in the riding of Saanich golf Idlands and i really do not care about the election. But i would like the opportunity to vote against Michael Ignatieff in his riding of Etibicoke Lakeshore. I really do not like Michael Ignatieff and i want the opportunity to vote against him. This is an opportunity that i think i will have to make many times in the future of Canada, but i want the chance to make it early, before the rest of Canada gets to. Is this possible.

thanks,

Marc Desilets
(using his friends facebook with permission, because he does not have it.)

The Conservatives Have No Platform

This isn't to say that Stephen Harper's promises have been very weak election. I mean that the Conservatives have no platform at all. They are the only party to not have released one. They are said to release one this week (with under a week to go to the election). Talk about running on your accomplishments.

An Update on Mark Emery

Mark Emery is the publisher of Cannabis Culture Magazine. He is from Ontario. He is in the process of going through court appeals that will prevent him from being extradited to the United States. The American government wants him for selling an enormous amount of marijuana seeds online, to Americans over the internet. He then funnelled the money into marijuana activist organizations, to help the cause for legalization. Mark Emery is trying to serve his jail-time in Canada, but things are not looking to well for Mark.

In Mark's last visit to the University of Victoria campus, he called all non-marijuana smokers "the problem", and insisted that everyone should smoke weed. He claims that he smokes a lot of weed, and is still the best person at answering Jeopardy questions that he knows.

mark owns a bong shop on Hastings street in Vancouver. He makes pretty good money. He also has an extremely beautiful wife in Michelle Rainey (michelle is also potentially being extradited to the states). He has a lot to lose if he ends up being locked up; less so if his prison allows conjugal visits with his wife.


(ooh lah lah. michelle rainey is a beauty)

Last week i was in vancouver and i went to Mark Emery's bongshop. The staff at the store said Mark Emery was optimistic that his trial would go well. He will likely serve jail-time (the states want him for some incredible number like 15 years), but he will hopefully serve it in Canada. I think the staff was being overly-optimistic. I think the best Mark can hope for is to bunk with Conrad Black down in Club-Fed. Conrad Black will want top-bunk, but Mark will still get access to Mr.Black's Butler.

Couillard Releases Book

Julie Couillard made headline news when she got her ex-boyfriend fired from his job, when she went to the national media and announced that he forgot important documents at her house. Her ex-boyfriend must have been a real dick to her, because this is some pretty huge revenge. But just because he's a dick and she wants revenge, doesn't mean that we have to be bombarded with this type of news constantly.

Obama once said "This isn't news people" . He was talking in regards to the news that Sarah Palinj had a pregneant teenage daughter. He didn't think it appropriate to drag personal affairs into the media spotlight.

But with tabloid magazines drawing so much attention these days on super-market shelves, there seems to be a desire for the media to report on scandalous affairs. I personally believe that there is a time and place for this type of discussion: and that is on people's Wall's on facebook.

Julie Couillard got national media attention. She recieved large sums of money for her television interviews. She is now releasing a book and will make enormous amounts of money on that. She is also releasing the book during the election campaign, to even further make the Conservatives look ridiculous for hiring Bernier.

Bernier is a retard. But he got fired. The C-SIS agent that left important intelligence information at Maple Leaf Gardens did not garner that much media attention. He definitely would have if he was sleeping with Mats Sundin's wife as well.

The point I'm making is, that we have to ask whether media is discussing a relevant issue, or appealing to the desire for scandalous tabloid-like information that poses as a relevant issue.

Calculating the Odds of Death

An actuarial company in Atlanta, attempted to calculate the life expectancies of Obama and McCain. One of the great features of McCain as a president, is that he is so old and unhealthy that he will probably only be president for one term. Obama is not likely to be ravaged by the beast of old age, but some speculate he might have to worry about assasination. In the history of US presidents there have been very few that have deviated from these typical characteristics: white, rich, militarily colored and protestant. The only two catholics to ever be in office, were both assasinated (McKinley and Kennedy).

Here are the odds of dying for McCain and Obama by the end of serving 8 years:

McCain: 25%
Obama: 6%


(visual simulation of John McCain having a stroke)

However, the firm recognizes some errors in their reporting. They said that they could not factor into the analysis, the fact that once becoming president one recieves the best healthcare in the world.

SpaceX rocket reaches orbital atmosphere from earth, cures cancer, revives jesus

Recently the company SpaceX (today, actually) launched a rocket. They've had three failed attempts before this, but now, they have set the record for the first privately owned company achieving earth orbital altitude and attitude. The only reason they didn't go for orbit was most likely NASA certification or something. So what does this mean?

To me, I'm excited at the possibility of exploring the final frontier masterfully and intelligently and wish we'd have a space tax added to our payouts. I can imagine the riots if the proposed "space tax" were actually added, and yet at the same time... dollar a day from 523 million people in North American is still a shitload of money we could be using to make rocket ships and ninja space machines and stuff and it really pisses me off at night when I need to be furious at something and this sentence is out of hand.

But seriously, that's beautiful. With a company evolving so fast, and planning on launching a 6 man capsule soon, I have no doubt that we'll be kicking ass Mass Effect style in no time and I can finally score with a blue chick. Commander Anderson.

What party works for Graham?

Well let me tell you: I don't know. I honestly don't. I have a hunch the liberals will pump the most money into the arts and sciences, but I also think Dion is the worst possible choice for prime-minister with the exception of Layton. But Layton is irrelevant now anyway, and Harper is viciously slashing arts funding, so I'm stuck wanting the policies of a party without wanting their leader. Even the green party will be cutting arts funding a wee bit, and that blows more chunks than Lindsay Lohan drunk in a blow job factory full of guys named chunks.


So, Hark, what are your thoughts? Who should an artist vote for?

The colour yellow in relation to hunger caused in humans in mostly temperate climates, as explained by Graham

I have no idea if this is an original idea, and even if it's not I came up with it independently because I never read studies unless they're about penguins, or my professor made me.

So I was driving through Fish Creek (I was actually walking) and I noticed that, shockingly, the trees were red and yellow. This is caused by the dip in temperatures we have in autumn as the tree's chloroplasts stop producing chlorophyll and instead make something that ends in "ase". Or some jazz. The important fact is this:

It gets colder

Trees create warm colors.

Trees are generally green when not yellow, red, or aflame.

Now with those three key facts, I think we're about to explain something. But we're missing one more fact about the human brain: the colors red, yellow and orange have the psychological effect of appetite stimulation, uneasiness, restlessness and increased blood-flow. The color green, however, IS the most calming color the human psyche, and also the color we can distinguish the most shades of. Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

The reason those colors make us feel that way is because it's getting colder. We need to stock up on fat and all that stuff, we need to migrate to warmer areas. Without even realizing it, I think people living near deciduous trees are subconsciously conditioned to stock up on fat and get the fuck out of there the moment the fireworks start. We can see the most shades of green because as soon as shit gets green, we sit down, build a hut, and relax. It's that simple. We're in tune with natures thermometer. Wow! What a hypothesis!

BUT WAIT!

What about Africans? What about people in insanely warm climates? I wonder if this interaction could even take place with people not originally from a northern forested area. Theoretically, this cannot be a base instinct from our monkey ancestry, because we originated in east Africa, an area not really known for it's brisk autumns and chilly winters. So I postulate that people from climates that do not experience seasons the way we do are not affected by color/food response, and just wing it.

WHICH MEANS THIS:

McDonalds scheme of painting the insides of its buildings red and yellow to make people uneasy and hungry so they'll eat and leaf, haha, will probably only work on white folks from deciduous-ly forested areas. Discuss.

Human Highway-The sound

Human Highway is a Canadian Band that has named themselves after a movie that Neil Young made back in the 80's. In my opinion, they have this years best song released by a Canadian Independant artist in "the sound". The song is a roller coaster ride. It takes you through quirky, mellow moments that sound distinctly like the fiery furnaces. It then rushes into extremely catchy 21st century poppy harmony. When this song peaks in its catchy chorus, i wish i had johnny depp to throw my radio into the bathtub. check it out and tell me what you think.

-hark

I forgot what happened this Morning?

Does anyone remember what i ate for breakfast? It was either ego waffles or an english muffin. Or maybe it was chocolate milk. Did i remember to put on pants this morning? I don't even remember if my alarm clock went off. Usually i wake up to CBC news in the morning. Surely i would have heard something about the economic crisis in the states. Did i even leave my house? I must have because i write you this article from my school library.

-hark

Personal review of an object found in nature: Small brown sparrow sitting near the bench I was myself sitting on.

First of all, I'd like to get something out of the way: this sparrow simply cannot be compared to the sparrow from 10 minutes ago. I found the first sparrow captivating, intelligent, cheeky, and in no way lacking character. Unfortunately, budget problem and a stint in development hell seem to have sidelined and diluted what was once an excellent example of small arboreal forest omnivorous birds found in Alberta. I simply cannot relate to this new work by an otherwise excellent director, and will not be viewing said sparrow a second time. **/*****

Video Game Review: Hordes of Orks

It's a pretty simple concept for a video game. They've taken one of the most beloved creatures from the LOTR movies and created a video game about them.

Orks start running towards you in enormous quantities, some are small and some are big. Your job is to build towers towers and walls that injure the orks, and prevent them from getting to the other side of the screen.

There is no progression through the game; just an easy, medium and difficult setting. There are no levels. This best option is to just turn it on difficult with an infinite amount of time and see how many orks you can kill.

Computers were invented for one reason: porn. but if there was a second reason, it would definitely be killing hordes of orks. You can probably get a free trial download of the game on the net.

Every Party is Promising something new Today

The liberals are promising to spend 1.25 billion a year on child-care. They are also promising 200,000 scholarships for students and longer time to pay back student loans.

The NDP is promising to spend 1.4 billion dollars on child-care.

And the Conservatives are promising to stop the sales of 4 packs of cigarillos. Harper says that this makes it too easy and accessible for kids to get tobacco. instead, manufacturers will have to sell the cigarillos in packs with a minimum of 20.

The Liberal and NDP promises are huge, while the conservative promise is miniscule in comparison. The Libs and NDP are dealing with widespread social programs involving billions of dollars while Harper is dealing with childish habits. However, Harper's tobacco speech included many attacks on how the new NDP and liberal parties promises would put us into debt. The attack portions of Harper's speeches are one-hundred times more important for conservative victory than any of the miniscule promises the conservatives have made thusly. it is truly amazing how far ahead the conservatives are in the polls, considering that they have not promised anything of significance yet. Last election they promised visible ideas like GST reduction, allowances for daycare, and money for parents with kids in sports. Harper has no promises but only attacks on the other parties. But its working. Here's the most recent polls.

Today Nanos is reporting Conservatives at 38 liberals at 31.
Also today Ekos is reporting Conservatives at 38 liberals at 23.

New CP Poll

A New Canadian Press/Harris DEcima poll is being reported on the net that shows the conservatives have slipped from majority territory. but my trusty-old site www.nodice.ca is not reporting this poll. They have published another canadian press/harris decima poll that shows the conservatives at 40 percent; which is borderline majority territory.

"According to the latest Canadian Press Harris-Decima rolling survey, conducted Sept. 11-14, Tory support slipped to 38 per cent from 41 per cent over the past four days... Liberal support rebounded slightly to 27 per cent, up three percentage points. "

Every time conservatives hit the wall and majority talk begins, they soon start to slip. This back and forth on the conservatives will be common up until october 14th.

Issues with Polling Media

Last Canadian election i used a website called nodice.ca for all the pre-election polls. I find it helpful in determining how Canadians are reflecting to the media surrounding the parties. However, over the past 5 days i have noticed there has been no updating of the polls on their site. During election times there are polls being released everyday; typically nodice would be reporting these.

if you go to their website on this years election: http://www.nodice.ca/elections/canada/
one can see their last day of updating the polls was september 9th. That day, the conservatives had 37% of the popular vote, the Liberals 26%, the NDP 19%, and the green party 10%.

However this was said on a friday article on cbc.ca:

"in the Harris/Decima survey, the Conservatives showed a lead nationally of 41 per cent of public support, followed by the Liberals at 26 per cent, while the NDP were at 14 per cent."

these polls were conducted three days after the last updated poll on nodice. Harris/Decima is a poll that nodice always has reported in the past.

The new Harris/Decima poll suggests that the Conservatives have broken into majority territory. However it is not being reported by nodice.ca. To whom's advantage is it when a poll showing a conservative majority is not being published? Any talk of majority could scare voters away from the conservatives. But it also could potentially show the lack of leadership and ability of Dion to attract voters.

Either way, polls this early on in the election mean very little. Last election at around this time, the Liberals had a strong 10 point lead over the conservatives, and the conservatives ended up fighting back to win the election.

Election Smellection

Over the next 34 days we will be pestered by news about the canadian election. and unfortunately, hockey season will only be able to drown out 4 of those days. i am looking forward to the canucks flames season opener on thanksgiving weekend, much more than the election. That's not to say i dont care about the election. but the home opener is going to be fucking amazing. Bertuzzi against his old team=epic. But because i am a poli sci student, and because i have no political affilitations this website is the perfect site to get all of your updates on the election. Just so you understand where i am coming from, last election i voted conservative. And in my heart i still have a tenderness for crazy parties like the rhinoceros and the marijuana party; but only because they stand absolutely no chance but they still keep on trying. Kind of like the Toronto Maple Leafs. But i promise i currently have no party affiliation, because that would be bad journalism/bloggeerism. Here's my rundown of all the parties that matter:

Conservatives: so far they have done nothing to remedy the boringness that has plagued stephen harper in the past. they have run a few ads where stephen harper wears a sweater to remind canadians that he's an everydayman. and they cut the cost of deisel. but nobody uses desiel and its a really dirty gas that is bad for the enviroment. They probably have a few surprises left in the cupboard though.

Liberals: stephen dion is slowly but surely finding his grasp of the english language. the liberals are really hoping that they can turn this election into a green election. if this can be done, they will surely win. they pretty much have an alliance with the green party, and for some reason they want elizabeth mae to be able to be in the debate. on the surface it seems like a rise in mae's popularity would take votes away from the liberals. but when you look at it deeper, adding the green party to the debate would be turning this into more of an enviromental election. an election that the conservatives can't win. but are canadians ready to make the enviroment the most important issue in politics? probably not, but maybe the hypnotic david suzuki can change their mind. if david suzuki throws his support to the liberals, then dion will be prime minister.

Bloc: Gilles Duceppe who? in semi-recent provincial elections, the separatist party was wiped off the map. maybe this will happen on a federal level. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

ndp: haven't heard too much from these guys yet. not many ads or big posters in victoria. if the green party gets more votes, they should steal most their votes from the ndp. if the liberals get more votes because of their green platform, they will also steal a lot from the ndp. the ndp might have a better enviroment policy than the liberals, but the big red liberal machine will throw those facts in the garbage and leave them for future generations to clean up. canada is definitely becoming more left, but im not sure that the ndp have the right leader to capitalize on this. they need an obama type... everybody needs an obama type.

Less intelligent people have more and less intelligent children and it's fucking things up

Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. This is not what I want to talk about. I don't care about how this affects her mom's politics, because it shouldn't. Her dumbass daughter is not her terrifying evangelical mother, she's just some kid. Jamie Lynn Spears, as well, is pregnant. This matters even less.

What matters is what those two have in common: They're both stupid.

Now hear me out. Statistically (I don't do citations, google it yourself and go away) less intelligent people have more children than people who's IQ rating is classified as "above average" or higher. Unfortunately these same people are often in the lowest income brackets, and thus have more children with less money. These same children, statistically, become fairly obese. This is not to say that smart people are never poor, because history has taught us that the opposite. It's a one way street, dumb often equals poor, but poor does not equal dumb.

So, statistically (I cannot stress the statisticallity of this enough) dumber people are poorer, fatter, and treat their uteruses as clown cars. Now, this normally would not bother me, because these people are often self isolating. One prime example is the entire cast of roseanne. They've done a very good job of failing almost completely at being attractive, intelligent, or financially responsible (with the exception of John Goodman, who was excellent in Oh Brother Where Art Thou and of course, The Big Lebowski. In practice however, these statistically overweight, dumb and (sadly) under-funded people are killing the planet. Because the best and brightest are having babies once in a blue moon, and only when their RESP is full, we're increasingly stuck with a shitload of big dumb babies that are reproducing exponentially faster than the clever people are. Now logically, since neither me or my partner on this blog have children or excess weight, we must therefore be very intelligent, and thus part of this group that is rapidly going extinct. We're both pretty poor, but it appears to be by choice for us both, or else we'd be engineers, so we still get smart poitns.

Now in a few generations, you're going to see a north american continent filled with pissed off poor dumb overweight people with 25 kids, and pretty soon that fellow Thomas Malthus is looking pretty damn smart.

My Plans for Next Summer: Starcraft

I don't have any living arrangements for victoria this fall. However i am already planning my living arrangements for next summer.

At the start of this summer, i had the sweetest living arrangements in the history of mankind. I was living in my parents house, eating their food, getting my mom to do my laundry, using their cable and internet. It was the perfect life. I would wake up every day at around noon, get into my bathrobe, then walk around the house and patio with a mug of coffee in my hands. I was a king. But next summer my dad has made it clear that i will not be allowed to live a cushy life like that. He has said that i will need to find a job immediately, else i will be kicked out of the house.

here's where starcraft comes into play. These are pictures of a 1988 starcraft tent trailer. Currently on sale on ebay for $2200. I will simply buy the tent trailer and park it in front of my parents house. When i wake up at noon (by that time they are gone to work), i will enter the housee and commence to making my sandwhiches

Studying the Liminal

The idea of liminality has recently been re-brought to my attention. During school it's a phrase that one of my young and interesting professors likes to use as often as possible, because it applies to a lot of things we cant define and it defines a lot of things we cant define, but mostly it defines things so we can apply them. I hope that helps.

The liminal is essentially, the inbetween. It's a state things occupy that never crosses over into the other. If it helps you, you can think of Schrödinger's cat, which in the theoretical experiment, is either alive, or dead through observation, but both alive and dead through equation. Not only does that rhyme, but it applies to what I'm trying to say, which is that the liminal, like quantum states, is not anything, it is the between state of other states.

What I'd like to apply this to is the universe, and life. Not everything, just those two categories.

Lets start with the universe. I believe that the universe adheres to the multiverse principle, which dictates that every time anything happens, the universe, based on probability (and possibility) is split, and results in the "creation" of another universe. The way that I wrap my mind around this is through this hypothesis: "For a decision to be made based on probability, the output needs to match the input of the equation". So: If I decide to go for a walk, there is an equal probability that I could have decided not to, and for the laws of thermodynamics to account for the lost metaphysical energy it took me to reach this decision, there must be a universe where the other 50% of my decision resulted in the completed loop. In a quantum universe, the result of this decision does not necessarily occur after the decision, but that's something I don't even want to understand.

What really interests me about what I just wrote is that it's hard to reconcile that with anything other than an infinite universe. But: I do not believe the universe is infinite. If the universe started with a matter reaction, then logically, this finite reaction created a finite universe. Furthermore, with recent scientific revelations, we have learned the universe is expanding, and through this we can deduce that an infinite universe cannot expand, or contract. An infinite universe just is. Unless the scientists are wrong, which is fine, because they're probably rich and have nice trophy wives.

So now I've argued myself into a box: how can finite universes create infinite new universes? Easy, think of the Pi constant. It's an infinite number created by finite variables. BUT WAIT! I just proved myself wrong, didn't I? A finite bang can create infinite universes right? Maybe, but lets remember that Pi is just a number and the universe is an actual object, and not a constant. Since the mulitverse is only a theory, I will happily ignore the argument I just lost to myself, and continue with what I was trying to say. Anyways, comparing simple math to quantum physics is not a fair argument, and really means nothing. I just like the Pi metaphor because it works for half of this argument, but not the other half, and yet it works like both, which means this entire essay is almost in a quantum state. Anyhoo.

The universe must have a shape. If it is finite (which it must be) then logically, it can be defined. What shape is the universe? It COULD be spherical, but scientists do not believe the universe expanded uniformly. Just like an explosion on earth VS an explosion in a complete vacuum (sans gravity) we see that the fireball does not form a sphere, but a slightly lumpy one, because of atmospheric conditions and the characteristics of the explosives and whatnot. So if the universe expanded non-uniformly, then logically, it's because of either outside factors (which is really, really interesting, because it implies the universe expanded INSIDE OF SOMETHING), or because it wasn't an even matter ball, which is much more likely. Anyways what I'm trying to say is that the universe has a shape, and therefore a border, and therefore complies to the liminal.

The universe has a border! It must! Even if it's a hazy cloud of semi-universe right at the edge, that is a difference, and that is a border. That is neither universe, nor non-universe. What a trip! What does this mean for science? It means that we need to find that border pronto, because that will show us a space where light is moving into absolute nothingness, and I have a feeling that could be useful to someone.

Later I'll talk about how this liminal property of the universe affects the psychological properties of our own minds.

The Paris Hilton effect

Lately I've come to realize two things. The first is that my left ear is slightly smaller than the right. The second is that if enough people tell you someone is good looking, you mindlessly believe it. Let me give you some examples.

Our first witness is Drew Berrymore. Movies like Charlies Angels have led us to believe that she is, in fact, a beautiful woman. She is, in fact, not. Look at her closely with fresh eyes and you'll see exactly what I mean. She's a million times less attractive than a lot of people I go to school with, on and on the hollywood ladder she's the guy on the ground making sure the hot people don't fall off the top.

Our second witness is Angelina Jolie. She's starved herself to death, she's like 4'9" and so many people are convinced she's gorgeous that even the intelligent readers of our blog will believe it. She's gone from meh to terrifying. That creature in Beowulf with the fucked up skin was way sexier than she is in real life. Brad Pitt, I hope you kept Jennifer Annistans number you crazy fucker.

Our third witness is every man in a TV show, movie, or play. King of queens, for example. That guy is hardly a catch. His wife however, is quite attractive, albeit annoying. There's no chance in hell he could snag that ass in real life, and we all know it. How about Everybody Loves Raymond? Seinfeld? You think George can actually pull all that tail? No chance. No chance at all. Fame = attractive for men, Gossip = attractive for women.

So that's my beef. If you're famous and ugly, stop casting yourself beside attractive people and stick to the ugly fuckers you belong with.

UPDATE: Jeremy Clarkson, a British celebrity, has brought up a likely contender for this theory: Sarah Jessica Parker. In fact, he compared her to a boiled horse. He was using her as a metaphor for an ugly Ferrari, but nonetheless, I've been proven right again.

Things I didn't know about trees

So as some of you already know, I have a job. I went for two entire months, living in my parents house, without earning a dime for the entire half of a summer. That's impressive and you had better acknowledge it because that's some straight up awesome shit.

So anyways, I work for a company called ArborCare. You may have seen their huge ass trucks driving around, with cranes a flying on the roof and leaf chippers a bouncin behind. They're pretty epic, and have giant maple leaf graphics on them, so if you remember a giant leaf-adorned truck, it's because you saw it and suppressed the memory. Now, my position with the company is one of those positions that sounds better than it is: I'm the Ground Crew assistant to the certified Arborist. What this means is while someone is up in a bucket with a chainsaw, I stand below them with a hardhat on and put 300 pound tree branches through a chipper after dragging them around. I also saw down little branches with what is essentially a saw on a stick. Sometimes I climb, but I usually get in trouble for it, and the wood beetles bite a lot.

So that's my job. Come visit me on Memorial Drive, we're trimming all the way up to 52nd.

Graph. Click to enlarge.

The profound-ness of dirty jobs

How amazing is the show dirty jobs? Let me tell you.

It's more amazing than the Eifel tower is steel. It's more amazing than Mulroney's son is a political failure. It's more amazing than Don Cherry is a snappy dresser. It's more amazing than Family guy is badly animated. It's more amazing than Nike SB is a poser branch of a poser company. It's more amazing than Andrea Bocelli is blind.

Anyways, dirty jobs is amazing. I'll elaborate later.

Fish Creek Fight Club

In Union Square, NYC, some people have organized a fight club. It's not really organized, but people show up once in a while at a certain time and beat the fear of terrorism out of each other. There's no real accurate way to pair people up so it's fair, people just seem to select a rival and fight for the hell of it. I saw a few videos of people with actual martial arts skills fighting each other in an intense flury of fists, and I saw lanky emo japanese kids fight each other while smoking a cig.

So here's the plan. I want to start a fight club, except it's going to be in fish creek, and it's going to be during park hours. Here's the rules.

1. You can talk about fight club, because we always want new people. It's not illegal unless someone presses charges, but if we're doing it in a public space we can totally get in shit. Joint responsibility is the way to go. So rule number one is: Talk about fight club, but only to people who will participate.
2. Since this could conceivably turn into a gang war, Only bring one friend per night.
3. I want to discourage a ton of spectators, because that would only get in the way. If you're going to spectate, you pay 2$, which will be used to provide bandages and possibly for some cash we can use on liquor. Spectators pay, fighters don't.
4. No drunk fighting. If you can walk in a straight line and do a somersault without losing your balance, you're too sober enough to fight. Drunk people feel no pain, get emotional, and ruin fights. No drunk idiots. Baked is fine. No shrooms either.
5. It's fun, don't make it a grudge match. No revenge fighting, or fighting in anger. This is fun.
6. Both fighters must agree to the fight, no shame in refusal. Since we cant match people by skill, this will do.

So anyways, being a huge pacifist has made me a pussy, so I think this could actually be a good time. Anyone up for beating the shit out of each other in Fish Creek Park, comment on the post. If no one does it I'll just go down to the park every day and shadow-box until someone fights me.

Calgary Fight Club

In Union Square, NYC, some people have organized a fight club. It's not really organized, but people show up once in a while at a certain time and beat the fear of terrorism out of each other. There's no real accurate way to pair people up so it's fair, people just seem to select a rival and fight for the hell of it. I saw a few videos of people with actual martial arts skills fighting each other in an intense flury of fists, and I saw lanky emo japanese kids fight each other while smoking a cig.

So here's the plan. I want to start a fight club, except it's going to be in fish creek, and it's going to be during park hours. Here's the rules.

1. You can talk about fight club, because we always want new people. It's not illegal unless someone presses charges, but if we're doing it in a public space we can totally get in shit. Joint responsibility is the way to go. So rule number one is: Talk about fight club, but only to people who will participate.
   
2. Since this could conceivably turn into a gang war, Only bring one friend per night.
3. I want to discourage a ton of spectators, because that would only get in the way. If you're going to spectate, you pay 2$, which will be used to provide bandages and possibly for some cash we can use on liquor. Spectators pay, fighters don't.
4. No drunk fighting. If you can walk in a straight line and do a somersault without losing your balance, you're too sober enough to fight. Drunk people feel no pain, get emotional, and ruin fights. No drunk idiots.
5. It's fun, don't make it a grudge match. No revenge fighting, or fighting in anger. This is fun.
6. Both fighters must agree to the fight, no shame in refusal. Since we cant match people by skill, this will do.
   

So anyways, being a huge pacifist has made me a pussy, so I think this could actually be a good time. Anyone up for beating the shit out of each other in Fish Creek Park, comment on the post. If no one does it I'll just go down to the park every day and shadow-box until someone fights me.

Ghost Story: part 2

In the last moments of the first part of this story, we were about to hop out of the car and face our destiny. The forest was dark, the forest was scary, the trees were also scary. Thus, we exited the tiny vehicle and set off towards the normal looking farm house, apprehensively but still curious. The house was a two story victorian style with one of those wrap around decks and some nice gables on what remained of the second story, but there the similarity to a This Old House project ended. Actually, in retrospect, this could very well be featured on This Old House, because the entire back half of the house was destroyed, and sunk into the basement.

Of course, an exploded house that is rumored to be haunted and turns out to actually exist is quite a shock. This wasn't simply a collapsed house, it was charred and shattered, boards were broken and splintered from what looked like the old kitchen in a clear radius of absolute houseplosion. We stepped closer and closer to the mess, avoiding splinters and thistles, until we could finally see directly into the old house's basement. The boiler was clearly visible through a hole about 10 feet by 8 feet, and it was through this hole that we shone the flashlight first.

Directly onto a pair of eyes.

Several minutes later, after a brisk sprint to the car and a change of pants, we rallied our spirits and several extra pen-lights and cautiously tip-toed back to the scene. The aforementioned eyes were no longer there on second glance, but this only added to the mystery. Was the creature watching us from farther in? Was it waiting behind us? Was it about to steal Melissa's car? We had to find out. Slowly but surely we climbed into the gap, down into the icy basement, full of lichen and windblown pine needles. The basement was quite a bit bigger than it appeared, and in its day the house itself must have been a fine place. Now it was a forest of fallen beams and pipes, with danger around every corner.

Shoulder to shoulder we crept further into the crypt, until we came up against the wall the boiler was resting against. With one final triumphant sweep of the flashlight, our exploration complete, we were greeted by the same dull glow of eyes. Except instead of the pair that surprised us the first time, our beams were met by 10; no, 20 eyes, all focused dully at our frightened teenage bundle of scaredy cat-ness. With trembling hands we shone the lights further on and were greeted with the biggest shock of our lives:

Cows. Over a dozen. They must have wandered into the basement. Case closed.

The Least Windiest City in Canada

kelowna, BC

it has an average wind of 5.4 km an hour. this is where i intend to live one day.

what is calgary the best for?

the sunniest winter in canada: average 366.2 hours of sun. even though that sun can sometimes be while its minus 20 degrees.

calgary also has most sunniest days year round, most sunny days in cold months.

victoria, BC has the lowest snowfall

medicine hat is the sunniest year round

prince rupert was the rainiest place in the country to live.

i hate wind.

farewell

An Idea that will never be proven wrong

SI was just going to write this in a comment to Graham's last post, but then i decided it was deserving of it's own post. Graham talked about connecting his idea of 'the absurd' to the particle theory of matter. I don't know anything about science (and i am quite proud of my 14 percent in chemistry 12... which i blame on Josh Mann), but i do realize that good philosophy needs to be based on science.

Immanuel Kant, who was a philosopher/political theorist/ racist german/ genius, put forth some really good ideas. His political theory often rested between a battle between the individual and the state. How can you be an individual, when you need the state to protect you? How can we have an orderly state, when everyone wants to be an individual?

In answering these problems, he based his theories on Newtonian Physics. At his time in the late 1700's, it looked quite clearly that Newtonian Physics explained the universe perfectly. His ideas were held in high esteem, until about 1898 when science similar to Einstein's relativity, proved that Newtonian Physics did not explain the world in a universal way; rather everything was relative. We haven't disregarded Newton's theories, rather we just accept the fact that there are 2 good scientific ideas.

Most people looking for a grand unification theory (a theory that combines Einstein relativity and Newton), want to go to something along the lines of quantum mechanics (or string theory or something like that). We live in really weird times because we don't have a science that explains our world universally anymore. Rather, everything has to be a dualism between these two competing views.


I don't remember where i was going with this.

Obligatory random philosophy thoughts

I started writing out this school of philosophy called "adjectivism". The name I chose had absolutely nothing to do with the adjectivism found on the many results on google, and in fact, was a pointless school of thought that I was playing with for one reason only: it had everything to do with language. I wanted to use language as a basis for an entire school of thought, because language is after all one of our defining features. Unfortunately I lost interest in it, but today I was randomly reading some existentialist stuff (just Albert Camus, and no, not L'etranger (the outsider)) and it hit me that I can simply use adjectivism as a little mini-theory in the greater whole of the works.

What I was writing today was completely related to cyclical reality; a term I use to describe the truth that everything returns to its place, and everything is connected. This is not new. At all. What I was interested in was applying Camus's idea of the Absurd to the cyclical view of the world. He says that the absurd becomes apparent at any point of a persons life, and can be triggered by a random event. I know exactly when mine happened, and it's a shockingly stupid story. I was watching a Sugar Ray music video (I'm so sorry) and there was one line that went "my mother god rest her soul". After hearing that line I became, for the first time, aware of the mortality of my parents, and through that I had a horrible realization myself: I was going to die at some point. I was thirteen years old so this thought was quite a shock. Everyone says and sort of knows that they're going to die, but for some reason I went into a blind terror that lasted about a day. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and everytime that fucking sugar ray song came on I freaked out and couldn't hear it anymore. It was like that earlier short essay I wrote; I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff. That was my first experience with the absurd.

Anyway.

The absurd, in the philosophy I've been working on, is the arrows that connect the elements of a cycle, or the borders on a map, or the lines on a chart. Like a particle of matter you can continue breaking things down until, like atoms, you're left with "The God Particle". This hasn't been discovered yet, but apparently we're close to finding it. So the way I want to formulate this philosophy is in direct relation to particle physics and will revolve around dissecting each segment of an absurd thought down to it's components so the true nature of emotion and thought can be analyzed, or at least in my own head. I can't say if what I'm writing or thinking will do anything for anyone else, but self analyzing is incredibly fascinating to me.

And I came up with the name "psychological Divisionism" after the artistic movement Divisionism. More on this later.

Thinks I learned from retail, ie conversion rates and pimpin ho's

Retail is really stupid. You're payed to be a middle-man, essentially. But I don't give a shit because it's easy, and I don't have to do any bending or lifting or running or hammering or kick-pressing or steel tempering. Or even sod laying. So right off the bat I prefer retail to every other single job I've had.

But customers are the problem. With the exclusion of the rare friend who visits me at work I think the people who shop at HMV may be a separate species... possibly half person half anteater. Or perhaps part armadillo. There are really very few people who come into the store that you cant categorize as one of the following:

Emo kid
This is such an easy one. Emo kids and record stores go together like emo kids and a human sized blender, or in simpler terms, completely fucking naturally. We allow loitering, and anyone who's met an emo kid knows that loitering is the national sport of the emo nation. Having bangs fucking with your depth perception may also be a factor, and loitering will eliminate any chance of bumping into something, or accomplishing something in their worthless lives. The term emo kid encompasses emos from age 12-50. Emos. Gross.

Stupid bitch with a stroller
First of all, lose some weight. Second of all fucking ziploc your kid, or better yet, wear a condom. Strollers are like parade floats, gigantic, annoying when you're trying to get somewhere fast, and are a massive magnet for pedophiles. One woman with a stroller blocking one isle pisses off at least 20 people who would have bought something. As my first manager at HMV once said "if these stupid chicks with babies fuck up my sales one more time I'm going to nerf gun their babies back into their baby-holes".

Person who has apparently never shopped before
Detecting one of these is easy. They will walk up to you and say

• Can you look things up? Like to see if you have them?
• Do you have a gospel section?
• Where are your DVD's?
• Anything that could start a conversation, ie their kids, pets, diseases

Occasionally they won't say anything, but they will pay in exact change. Let me break something down real simple for all the readers of this blog. Cashiers are 200-100000 times faster at counting change than you will ever fucking be. I don't like to toot my own horn (that's a lie) but I can count change faster than most people realize they even need any. And so can anyone who's worked cash for more than 6 months. Counting your pennies is not saving me time. It's making me furious. So furious that I'm going to do what I usually do when that happens, and mark your receipt as non-refundable. And then kill your family and burn your house down. Exact change is for chumps.



The next category I will treat with care because I have serious issues with people who discriminate against the group I'm about to talk about, but it's a problem nonetheless.

Handicapped people, specifically the people who are either their relatives or caregivers.
I write about some offensive stuff that can be seen as sexist or racist, but you will never read a sentence that bashes people with disabilities. People who pick on the disabled (CARLOS MENCIA) aren't worth anyones time, and should be ignored. The problem arises when irresponsible family members think that we have enough staff to accommodate their relatives or friend's special needs. We simply cant. During Christmas we had to close transactions on a till because we're not allowed to say "no" to a sales related request. If someone wants to listen to 10000 CD's, and they happen to be disabled and are unable, due to their condition, to see that it's busy and a lot of people will be inconvenienced, that's everyones tough luck. During the day in question, because of one person and his caretaker, lineup time was just under an hour. AN HOUR. TO BUY A CD. It just doesn't work. We're kind people at HMV (another lie, with the exclusion of the incredibly cheerful Jordan Hunter), but when the same kid comes in every week causing massive, MASSIVE delays because his sister wont monitor him, you'll understand if we get a bit frustrated with the system. I guess the solution is to have more people working, but that just doesn't seem possible in the job market we're in. So it has to be said. And HMV wont shell out for more people even if there were people to be had. Damn limeys.

Last but not least: scavenger hunters.
This isn't a cute term. Every weekend there are literally dozens of kids whose parents think a nice mall scavenger hunt will keep their kids occupied. We don't babysit. And 1000 kids running in the store and not buying shit throws off our sales figures (conversion: sales/number of customers that day). When our conversion drops our manager gets gangraped by the HMV VP's. If you're so uncreative that you have to send your kids to the mall, the place that every kid spends grade 7-11, then you should have your kids taken away. I guess it all goes back to how shitty playgrounds are now. So fuck you city of Calgary, get rid of these metal playgrounds and put the wooden ones back so smelly dirty children will stay the fuck out of my hair on a busy saturday. Seriously. Go to laser quest you little pussies.

Thank you. I'm sure there will be complaints on this one, please direct them to comments so we can do what we normally do which is not very much.

Plan for a Potential Road Trip to Bring Marc Home to his Rightful City

Day 1

The tentative plan is to leave Victoria on the 23rd. We will head to Vancouver and spend the night in downtown. We might try and watch some hockey games at a pub, or just wander around the streets of Vancouver. There are many great restaurants in Vancouver where you can get cheap meals. 5 or 6 bucks for a plate of dinner. We will get some sleep and be well rested for the next day.

Day 2

We will begin heading East and ascenting into the infamous Rocky Mountains. We will see many large cities such as Kamloops and Kelowna; Chilliwack is a good place to stop for a mid-morning snack. We will survive most of this day on a diet of Tim Hortons Coffee and Tim-Bits. Eventually we will arrive in Salmon Arm with uneasy stomachs, where we will stop for Day 2.

Day 3

We will venture even further East into the vast Wonderland known as the Interior. By this time, Graham will be on my nerves very much and it is likely he will be left at a Gas Station in Kimberley or Fernie (these details are still a little fuzzy). We will stop by the McDonalds in Canmore for our last meal on the road. We will reach the maximum altitude of our trip approximately 20 kilometers past Canmore. Then a rapid descent will be made into the Foothills which signify the beginning of prairie civilizaition. We will drop Graham's articles off at his house, and tell his parents he did not make it. Then i will venture over to Albert's to talk about hockey, Worms Armageddon, the Chuck Kobasew Sweepstakes and good roles for Sean Bean to play in upcoming films.

Woman has nipple ring removed by pliers, is unhappy

I recently watched a news article about an obese Ontarian who wanted nothing more than to fly, but because of her large (and I presume, really gross) nipple rings, she was detained. And by detained, I mean they yelled at her and laughed at her while she reached into her shirt and attempted to take them off. Alas, being unable to remove them, a male security guard used pliars to remove them.

As an advocate of nipples in general, this is disturbing to me. Nothing is as beautiful as a nipple. If Monet and Picasso had had a plentiful source of nipples and weren't bound by society's nipple-fear, I'm sure the MOMA and guggenheim would be full of abstract or impressionist nipples. Nipples in multiple colors, nipples with odd brush strokes, nipples made of marble and bronze. A nippleopolis of epic proportions. In fact I propose a national nipple appreciation day, to start on the first day of winter, when the cold winds will ensure that all nipples stand at proud attention. Male and female nipples will co-exist in firm harmony for a day, and perhaps through this symbol of nipple solidarity the barriers of sexism will fall, like a nipplevalanche, or perhaps a nippleplosion.

Nipple nipple nipple.

Ghost story.

I have one ghost story. Just one. But it's totally awesome, and I realized recently that I haven't told it enough.

It starts on a chilly night in October. The year was 2002, and I was fifteen years of age, just coming into my own. But it was not to last. Here is a story of such terror and scariness that your pants will wet themselves.

Jason, Karen, and myself (names changed to preserve their sanity) were all sitting in the petland staff room, enjoying a nice dixie cup of coke and a nice dixie plate of pizza, when our co-worker dropped a bombshell. She stood up, and declared, in a voice both haunting and slutty, that she knew of a haunted house we should check out after the staff meeting. Being fifteen, and surrounded by 17 year-olds who for reasons of youth I thought were totally rad, I agreed to come along. Also we went to wendy's.

So there we were, 3 of us packed into her small sunfire, her smoking, jay getting stoned, me eating chicken and getting stoned and smoking, and all three of us soaring towards our imminent destruction via ghost. Down the snowy roads we travelled at speeds in excess of 60km/h, until we reached our destination. Those of you from the woodlands/far SW of calgary will be familiar with which I speak: I speak of the one lane bridge that used to go over fish creek at the bottom of the valley, which has since been replaced by a modern overpass high above the mysterious trees of the dreaded fish creek provincial park, and the terror of the Tsu-tina native reserve. This bridge was only wide enough to let one car through, but there was one thing about that bridge that was even scarier: a tiny little road, barely more than a path, bordered by a fence made of what appeared to be human skulls, but were in fact chunks of white rock stacked to form a little barrier. I drove past this numerous times, always curious as to what lay beyond that grim sentinel. Alas, that night I would find out what was hidden down that dark path.

The sunfire creaked and moaned as it traversed the rutted and overgrown trail, as if protesting the coming destruction that awaited us all. It's 1.4 litre engine quaked and fidgeted under the throttle, urging us to go back. But three stoned teenagers are a force to be reckoned with, and onwards we went. We drove for what seemed like hours, the road wouldn't let us over 10KM/H, and we went so far that soon the lights of the metropolis of woodbine were far in the distance. We had long since left the borders of calgary and had crossed over into the mysterious lysol scented forest of the reserve. Dark trees, with dark limbs and roots beckoned us onwards, until we reached our final destination, innocuous but horrible, innocent but terrifying.

We had arrived in a clearing, about the size of a cul-de-sac, bordered on all sides by lichen covered pine trees and poplar leaf covered poplar trees. It was a normal looking field, dead leaves and dead grass, some rocks, and an abandoned farm house. This, as Karen or whatever the fuck name I made up to protect Melissa's privacy had told us earlier, was the haunted house. The story goes, this place used to belong to a farmer who emigrated here at the turn of the century. He farmed happily for 40 years until one fateful night his stove had a gas leak, and destroyed the back half of the house, killing his wife and 14 year old daughter. As we piled out of the car, our fates in our hands...

TO BE CONTINUED

Great Depression Round 2

Earlier this week, the Toronto Sun published an article by a second tier (non-blogger) journalist, about the possibility of another Great Depression. Linda Leatherman presented an interesting article identifying recent trends in economics, and relating these events to events that happeneed leading up to the Great Depression.

I have heard a lot of crazy conspiracy theories lately. In my hostel it seems every hippy is well equipped with 2 or 3 unique conspiraces. That is why hippies are interesrting to talk with, they never have commonplace ideas, they always try to take the craziest point of view that society will allow them.

But whats separates Lisa Leathermans views from crazy hippy views? Why does Lisa Leatherman get published by the Toronto Star, yet these hippies clean toilets in the hostel for 24 hours a day (seriously).

I don't know. But i do know that i would love for the Great Depression to take Place. Everyone would be mumbling and crying over lost money and think that their way of life had been destroyed. While i would be fine because i have no money or family or mortgages. So if the Great Deporeession reads my blog, i would encourage he or she to come soon, and not way for several years and make my life difficult.

thank you. And I'm sorry that all of our history textbooks have painted you to be such an evil being.

800 pound man tries to go on date... and fails

Two years ago Manuel Uribe was over 1200 pounds. Since then, he has lost an amazing 400 pounds. March 10th was Manuel's Girlfriends birthday. To celebrate, Manuel decided to celebrate and deviate from his diet a little. "We were going to celebrate that I've been losing weight for two years ... and fulfill my dream of taking my girlfriend out to eat."

Like any good male, Manuel had the date all planned out. But not just in the sense of the typical flowers or chocolates; Manuel had many other resources to fulffill. Firstly, he needed a forklift and a flatbed rig to get him to the date. At first everything was going well. Manuel was set to meet his date at a picnic in the city of Monterrey, California. His bed, with him in it, was placed on the back of the rig and he was set to make it there on time.

(One might be guessing that this article is leading up to a "wide load" joke. ) However, it was not the "wide load" that prevented Manuel from getting to his date, it was a height restriction. Unfortunately, the frame of his bed (why didn't you take the frame off Manuel?) hit an overpass about halfway to the date. Manuel escaped without any injuries, but doctors concluded that his blood pressure was too high to go on the date. Fortunately for Manuel, 12 news reporters were there to capture this event. Thus, providing people across America, as well as Manuel's date, for the reason behind not showing up. It's always good to have an excuse.

I have a theory on this. Manuel didn't want to go on the date, and manufactured this story and sold it to newspapers and bloggers across the country, just so his date wouldn't feel bad about his not showing up. Congratulations Manuel, you have joined the club of 'self absorbed males'.

The real question that comes to my mind, is how can Manuel get a date, yet i still can't. Cindy still isn't returning my calls, but that could be because she doesn't exist. I was forty minutes late for a date the other day with Ashleigh Bowers, and the girl ended up being a huge boring-bitch the rest of the way through it. Eliza won't pick up the phone when i call her. The other day i text messaged her and asked if she wanted to hang out at the video arcade on friday night. She didn't get back to me... i guess she's just a lesbian or something. Yet as i write you this article from the computer lab at Uvic, a brownish girl has sat down next to me. Who knows?

The Politics of Cool

Earlier this week, Rolling Stone Magazine announced that they would put Barack Obama on next month's issue. This is the first time that Rolling Stone has ever made a cover story out of a nominee for the leader of a party. In the past, they have made cover stories out of Democratic Presidential candidates. But 'the curse of the rolling stone' proved fatal for both Al Gore and John Kerry. Obama will get his issue now, and it would not be surprising to see him get another cover story, during the weeks leading up to the presidential election this Novemberish. Obama has a knack for capitalizing on crowds that are unable to think for themselves. Earlier in January, he got the free-spirited Oprah Winfrey to tour on his campaign trail, and also appeared on Oprah's show, where she fully endorsed him.

Even the elderly Hillary Clinton is trying to find a way to reach out to crowds that are outside her demographic . Last Saturday she made a small cameo on SNL. Lorne Michaels (el presidente of the show) thought it only fair, because he had Barack Obama on the show back in November.

Get with the times Hillary. SNL is so last november. People of today read rolling stone magazine.

Even with Barack's appeal to all these forms of 'cool' media, the race does not seem to be over. Anybody that has followed the Democratic election (meaning anybody bored out of their mind, who has a full selection of cable channels, yet out of complete disrespect for their own intellectual well-being, decides to watch CNN), has been told several times that election is nearly over. All of January, we were told that Super Tuesday (in early February), would determine the Democratic nominee. When that didn't pan out, CNN told us it would be the next state election. And when that didn't pan out, they said it would be the next one; and this pattern continued for quite a while. Well, there have been numerous state elections, and CNN has been wrong numerous times. But for some reason, i keep tuning in.

This is very reminiscent to the 'kiefer Sutherland effect'. Anybody that has watched the tv show 24, knows that at the end of every episode, there is a delightful cliffhanger and then footage from next weeks show. If you own the dvd's, you have no choice but to watch the next show immediately. If it's on cable television, you book off your next tuesday at 9pm. I fell under the spell of the 'Kiefer Sutherland effect' during my final exams at the end of my second year at Uvic. I awoke in a daze, back in calgary, having done very poorly on many of my exams.

After having been decieved by CNN for so long, it has become clear that the democratic nominee will not be decided in any of these state elections. Rather it will not be determined until the convention in August. This will prolong the Democratic race for quite a while longer, while the Republican race seems to be finalized with McCain. Will the longer battle between Hillary and OBama help the Democrats by providing them with more media? Or will it give McCain the chance to build his Republican profile, while the Democrats are still fighting amonst each other? It's too early to tell. But the moral of the story is, don't let CNN tell you anything, because it's beginning to come clear that CNN is even less reliable then Fox. And at least Fox takes a break from it's political news, to bring you quality television like the Simpsons.




Let me get all the politics out of me. Alberta Media tells Albertans that Stelmach is going to lose. They trash his name and drag it through the dirt. They do this all the way up to the day of the election. Yet in the end, Stelmech comes out with an even bigger majority than Klein got last election. How could the media be so wrong? Isn't the media like science in that it's always right? Was Graham Krenz conducting the polls?

Look at Michael Moore's movie Farenheit 911, which came out the summer before the presidential election in 04. Before the movie came out, the polls showed the democrats were ahead of the republicans in the presidential race. Some claim that the movie Fahrenheit 911, got all the right-wing voters worried, so they turned out in bigger numbers to support Bush. I don't buy that, but i do find it fascinating that Bush somehow won that election, amidst the propaganda film that Moore shoved out at the same time.

Trapped on a desert island - New school bitches

Since before society, when man had just discovered the magic of islands, the question was posed: what the fuck are we gonna do once all the motherfucking boats be sunk? The answers given to that question are both fascinating, boring, completely unrealistic, and lets be honest, not as cool as the answers I'm about to give you. Why are my answers better? Because my first name is Graham and my last name is Krenz and that's all you need to know. Jerk.

Here's what you need to bring to a desert island:

A fleshlight.
Ya. A fake vag. You're on an island, in case you weren't listening. You're surrounded by water, and the only thing you're going to be banging otherwise is a coconut or a dolphin. Now, I may be speaking from experience when I tell you that coconuts are terrible to make love to (not to mention a laxative) but can you imagine nailing a dolphin? They kill sharks. Because they feel like it. Try sticking your sea cucumber in one of those pelagic bitches. So really, your only choice is a fleshlight.

A subscription to National Geographic.
If any bunch of people know things about things, its the people who know things about things who work for national geographic. They strand themselves routinely on islands for fun, much in the same way dolphins take spearing penalties to beat the shit out of sharkfish, which pretty much makes them the authority on surviving island shenanigans. How you will get this delivered to your island is up to you, I'm not a scientist, or a deliveryologist. Maybe you can train jellyfish to bring them to you. Stop being so demanding.

A shitload of weed.
An island. A tropical island. You're already in a reggae video, minus the hot bitches with weird hair and huge asses, so you might as well be stoned for the entire 30 year duration. You can even use a dead dolphin as a bong if you pack the blowhole just right (after you've had sex with it, of course)

A pogo stick.
Spear fishing would be made a lot easier if you could strap a pointy thing to the bottom of the pogo and bounce about in a murderous and I'm sure hungry (and I'm even more sure horny) state of rage. Those little swimming bastards wont know what hit them until you crush their skulls with a battle cry of "WHEEEEEEEEE!". Lets face it, fish are assholes. You'll have no trouble killing as many fish as you have to if your conscience is as wrecked as mine is (due to Nelly Furtado's shift from pretty Canadian princess to Timbalands blowjob-monkey) and they're high in protein to boot.

That's all you need! And for added fun, get stoned, tie the fleshlight to the pogo stick, and bounce around getting off to the tribal ladies in national geographic. You'll forget you're on an island at all!

Finally...Enviromentalists that I agree with

Early this morning, Enviromental Terrorists in Seattle set fire to three newly designed luxury homes. The terrorists were apparently upset over the fact that these newly designed homes were not enviromentally friendly. On a sign written in spray paint (the universal writing utensil of terrorists), the initials ELF were written. Most suspect it to be the work of the Enviromental Liberation Front, but one should not jump to logical conclusions so quickly; at least not before reading this blog.

The newly built houses, were not yet occupied by the tenants. The street itself was named "the street of dreams". This might remind some of an earlier post on Kevin Costner and the movie 'field of Dreams'; but so far it does not look like Costner is behind this particular assault of America. Each home cost over a million dollars and included some of the most technologically efficient ways of energization. Then why would eco terrorists destroy enviromentally friendly homes? Apparently, they were upset over the endangerment of chinook salmons in the nearby streams.

In other enviromental news, today at the university of Victoria, we were privileged to have the world renound David Suzuki give a free speech. He likely talked about pressing issues facing the current state of the enviroment. It is likely that none of these issues will make it beyond the world renound newspaper of the University of Victoria. However, the enviromental terrorists will likely be in newspapers across the country tomorow. The terrorists means of obtaining media attention are far more radical than that of the elderly Japanese Suzuki (the most radical thing he has done all day is use his cane to get to his enviromentally friendly rice cooker).

The problem I have with David Suzuki, is that he claims that the enviroment is growing rapidly worse every day. He takes the "Day After Tomorow Hypothesis", that things will get out of hand very quickly if we don't act immediately. If this is truly the case, then why is
Suzuki kindly lecturing at Universities and hosting a TV show for viewers of all ages on public network television? If it is true that the enviroment needs radical change today, then shouldn't his means of distributing this information be equally as radical?

Obviously the eco-terrorists that are burning down houses are afflicted with David Suzuki Syndrome. Constantly losing sleep over the torrential terror that awaits us on "the day after tomorow." Unlike Suzuki, they are acting radically to get radical change, which they believe is needed. If you want radical change you must act radically. Suzuki has it all wrong. His quiet, kind and laid-back manner make it seem that we can wait a few days before we implement change, even if he is preaching the opposite.

My prescription for David Suzuki: either tone down your message of impending doom, or join the ELF.

Graham and Adam do salvia!

First things first. I need to buy some filters. If you've ever had burning incense blown into your lungs you'll understand what I mean. Secondly, hmmm. hmmmm. We planned it badly, in the sense that we were in the least relaxed place ever: a public school playground at 1AM. Using a pipe with about a litre of THC in it. In winter. Without a torch lighter. Or a spotter.

First instantaneous effects: constricting of all my muscles simultaneously and the intense desire to sit down, followed by instant memory loss for about 20 seconds, followed by this odd feeling that gravity moved off a bit and my head was shrinking. I had to sober up fast because Adam did a lot more than I did and he was being silly. Heading off a hallucination was tricky, but I think since I only did 1 hit I wasn't over the edge.

Adam however, did some awesome stuff, as these choice quotes (in chronological order) will reveal.

"ya I guess we have to smok- I'm climbing a mountain"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAH"
"I wanna run man. I was born to run. Lets go on the playground"
"Everything I'm thinking is impossible"
"Why is it so damn hot"
"It's hot in the car. Really hot. My legs feel itchy like spiders"
"Everything was really happy!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

And then BAM sober mid sentence. It was truly insane to witness, truly awesome, it's rare that watching someone do a drug makes you want to do it, but in this case, yes. For the third time I try it out I'm going to go hardcore and do as many hits as I can take.

I just realized I'm incredibly sweaty

Prehenisile Genitalia

Speaking of being able to climb a tree using my penis, I think it's time we addressed the next stage of evolution. I realize you may not, in fact, have been talking about using your nuts to kneed dough, or peel apples, but I think it's time the matter was resolved.

There are several reasons I believe that we will eventually be able to manipulate objects using only our one eyed monster. The first, and most important reason, is that thus-far they are the only system we can survive without. If by a freak agricultural accident you were to lose your cherries and stem, you'd still be able to bring in the herd for a nice rest on a bed of hay in a large red barn that will become covered in snow, and will look quite charming by sunset, but only in winter, because barns in summer smell terrible. Anyways. I think its time we adapted our skin-tone sledgehammers to more intelligent and progressive means.

Tree climbing. It's time we take back the forests from all the women lumberjacks. What better way than to swing tree to tree with your man-lasso? You could be a modern day tarzan if only you could somehow engineer yourself a prehensile vag-blaster.

Juggling. Imagine, if you will, how impressive you could be juggling chainsaws using not only your hands, but with your double-pump supersoaker. If you're not excited already, you're not imagining it properly

House painting. You could easily use your below-the-belt giraffe to hold a roller and use your hands to read a nice book while you cheer up that drab decor.

High-fives. When our single banana fruit salads evolve we'll be able to lay down some skin without using our hands. Swordfighting will be the new high-five, and cockslapping will be a congratulatory term.

On the Enviroment

I attended a lecture earlier this year at Uvic, by a famous enviromental journalist that is one of the Uvic alumni. He arrived a little bit late, but that could be understood because he travels on his pedal bicycle. He gave us a rundown of many of the enviromental problems afflicting our country today. He is of the Suzuki class of enviromentalists; which means he is a person that loses sleep at night over the current state of the enviroment. This kind-hearted man has dedicated his life to delivering the scientific facts concerning the state of the enviroment to the public. His aim, is to create a better Canada for many generations to come: As soon as he remembers this thought, he is able to fall asleep at night.
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This man was very encouraging to the room full of wide-eyed students that hoped one day to be journalists themselves. He told the room that there has never been a better time to be an enviromental journalist. Back in the late 1990's, it was very tough for him to sell his articles. Nowadays, there is always some magazine ready to buy articles written by enviromental journalists.

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But who are these people that we entrust to deliver us our science? Why do we go to a journalist to learn about science, rather than the scientist? Wouldn't it be more proficient to skip out the middle man. The problem of journlists is the same problem that one encounters in the game of telephone that is played in elementary school. The class would be arranged in a cirlce, and a message is started with one person. He whispers it in an ear and the message gets passed around the circle until it comes back to the original creator who barely recognizes the message that he originally uttered. Who are these journalists that we entrust to feed us our knowledge?

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In a 2005 study of American journalists and the American public, both were asked where they stood on the political spectrum. Interestingly enough, journalists varied greatly from the public.

The Graph shows it clearly and irrefutably. Journalists are typically more left wing than the general public (They also apparently have less time on their hands compared to the general public, considering their refusal rates). One must keep in mind that this includes all journalists. This graph does not narrow its focus on the "left-wing hippy-nut-job" field of enviromental journalism.

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Enviromental journalists grow up in left wing enviroments. They live with vegan parents that have the full work of Karl Marx on their bookshelves. At a young age, the become afflicted with David Suzuki syndrome. When they start their research topic on the enviroment, they have already made up their mind on which side they will argue. Now it's just a matter of finding a scientist that has data to prove that global warming is destroying this earth.

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What is needed is a revamp of vegan peoples bookshelves. We must supply all the vegans in north america, with the complete works of Ronald Regan, Malthus and other hardcore conservatives. If we did this, children of Vegans would grow up to argue that global warming is a giant myth, and therefore is not worth worrying about. This would of course have the effect of destroying the field of enviromental journalism; there would be nothing to write about any longer. And then the enviromental journalist that came to my school would be out of a job. A whole sector of scientists and journalists would be out of work. Al Gore would no longer be famous and David Suzuki would become the title of some ancient Japanese myth that we never took the time to learn.

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But maybe arguing to save nature, is enough for most left-wing people. They don't want to experience the vast wilderness of Kanaskis summertimes that includes bears, lakes and forest-ranger dicks. They would rather stay home and Tivo the 'Nature of things': on every sunday at 7pm on CBC.

Kevin Costner Movies: America's New Drug of Choice

With the ever increasing reliance on technology such as TV's and computers, the human mind is now beginning to think virtually. Human beings no longer have to occupy their minds with medial tasks such as collecting fire wood and growing crops. They are capable of spending their free time and moments of enjoyment, in their TV room with family and friends. But who judges whether the movies they watch are healthy for their soul? This essay intends to revert the hypothesis that Kevin Costner movies are 'feel-good' movies.

In this study i will focus on two particular Kevin Costner movies to illustrate my point. These are of course 'Field of Dreams' and 'Waterworld'.

People that have seen the movie 'field of Dreams', will testify that it creates a cyclical pattern of emotions. One will feel very happy during parts of the flim; however extreme depression will also be created. Psychologists believe, that Field of Dreams has very small negative effects for children, and that it is more dangerous for adults that are older than 40.

In the movie, several dead baseball players, come back to life. Not only are they able to play baseball again, but they come back to life in their prime. They are young, handsome and athletic. The older viewers will feel very upset about this. They will look back on their life, and realize all of their missed chances and come to a general feeling of disaproval of their own life. They will wish that they too could go back in time, and be the person 'they once were'. One will however get dragged back into the story line, and transfer this immense depression into immense happiness. There are scenes in the movie that were made to be universally agreeable. Meaning that no one, regardless of their age, will be upset about them. Such scenese as the little girl having her life saved and also Kevin Costner remembering to throw the baseball again. This will drag the older people out of their depression for a brief moment, only to throw them into an even more immense state of depression once they get back into their own reality, and out of the fictional Costner reality. It is very clear that Kevin Costner movies are a drug capable of personality change. And what shouldn't you do when you are on drugs? Drive!

However, Kevin Costner had an enormous impact on American accidents, after his film waterworld. Lets look at boating accidents before and after the release of the 1995 movie Waterworld. Keep in mind that it came out during July of 95, so a good portion of the boating season had already taken place.



One finds interesting results. Kevin Costners movie 'Waterworld' actually initially increased the amount of boating deaths for the year 1995. Yet, after 1995, when one has a full boating season to look at the results, the movie Waterwolrd, actually decreased the amount of American boating deaths. How is this possible? Well this is common with the emotional cycles that follow a Kevin Costner movie. Ups and downs. Moments of tender elation vs. moments of vivid sorrow; moments of life vs. moments of death.

In conclusion, Kevin Costner movies are very depressing for people over the age of 40. There are only two types of people that are not effected by these movies. People that are not yet in their prime, or people that are satisfied with life. Otherwise, don't use or abuse Costner.

Sienna Miller-Round 2

I really did not want to bring the cat out of the bag this early, but i have been forced to. I was hoping to save Sienna until round 5 when i would seemingly be fed up with second tier choices and come to a religious revelation that involved Sienna Miller. I will save you all from that light-hearted affair and just skip to the Queen Right now in round 2.

Socrates: But how do you know that your answer is true? Can't all facts be upshot by a better argument. Isn't the only true piece of knowledge that one knows nothing.

Marc: Fuck you socrates!

Sienna wooed me in the original romance-comedy Alfie. She played the darling Nickie, that while being physically babe-alicious, proves to be enormously fucked in the head. Fortunately for the male viewer that got dragged to this movie by their girlfriend (or in my case my Mom), Sienna Miller takes her top off while painting the house, and then proceeds to host the most entertaining cook show I have ever seen.

Years later, she would again take our hearts away as the sexy girl that Daniel Craig almost got to spend the rest of his life with, if the writers of 'Layer Cake' weren't trying to be needlessly dramatic. What an ending! One should definitely watch the alternative ending, if one gets a chance.

Sienna. You are my new number 1. Congratulations!

Mustache Diaries

Day 1.

The covering is a light fuzz, similar to a newly Brazilian waxed chick, or small fruit from the okanagan. Light breezes ruffle the beginnings of my mustache like the sweet caress of an escort; calming yet irresponsible. The hair is lightly colored, soft and useless. Only time will tell whether or not this humble beginning will result in a mustache to conquer the world of facial hair.

Day 2.

Progress has been made. The general outline is Stalin like, and I am in fact highly motivated to force millions of russians to move to siberia and eat polar bears and each other. The urge is becoming quite strong, and I often have to tie myself to my futon to quench my murderous bloodlust for the russian people. Only time will tell whether or not this misplaced rage for the russian people of the late 40's will abate or subside with time.

Day 3.

The darker hairs have started coming in. My mustache has progressed from a light frosting to a medium gravy covered mess, dark and brooding yet uneven and chunky, like Robert Deniro. I trimmed it lightly with a pair of small scissors, and came close to literally blowing a load in my pants. Grooming the start of a mustache is much more fulfilling than killing russians, and I may consider this personal hygiene activity an alternative to genocide. Only time will tell whether or not mustache trimming will truly replace my building desire to enslave the russian people to do my bidding.

Day 4.

I have, for the first time, had to flick rice from the mustache. Unfortunately, the general shape of the french mustache is emerging. Untidy and prone to surrender, this mustache will soon throw the reigns of nazi oppression off it's cheese-laden shoulders and bear the full burden of it's cultural significance. Never before has a mustache looked so dirty, yet so simultaneously beautiful. For several brief moments I considered shaving off this monstrosity, but alas, the mustache prevailed. It's almost as if the hairs have developed primitive intelligence, like the vines in Jumanji. Slowly they will start developing red flowers to shoot poisonous darts at my enemies, and later, my house will be flooded and a black cop's car will become invaded by monkeys until Robin Williams fights a lion and completes the last good performance of his career. Only time will tell whether or not Robin Williams can salvage his career.

Day 5.

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT, FUCK THIS MUSTACHE, I'M SHAVING THIS FUCKING SHITRAG OFF

Day 6.

A small gust of wind tickles the mustache hairs as the mind control drugs secreted by the hairs slowly leach into my brain, motivating me to enslave and destroy the russian people once and for all. I will create a dream society where supply and demand vanish and the common man is hunted for sport when he refuses to help his neighbors. TOD NACH RUSSLAND, Rußland, zerstöre ich Sie!

Olivia Wilde: The Hotness Factor: Round 1

Alright, this is round 1 of a new segment that I have started advertising about, on another one of my many (2) blogs. Olivia first wooed us back in Grade 12, as the sexy Alex that made out with Misha Barton before Micha's tragic automobile-death-accident in the hands of Antoin Volchenkov and Danny Heatley. She pushed the boundaries of television with the first lesbian kiss on that show. Now she stars as the sexy number 13 in the television show "House." I don't think I'll ever get sick and tired of House poking fun at Olivia's wild and majestic beauty. I give her an 8.6 on the hottness scale. And i am considering bumping her to a 9 if the writers of house make her have a lesbian kiss with Cameron. Maybe we can make that part of the Writers Strike Settlement.

Everything that's wrong with Canada

This will not be an easy list to compile. However i will strive to finish it over the next week. One should keep in mind my current conception that time is not linear but cyclical. That all the planets will one day align themselves before us the exact same way they are currently aligned, and that in that instant i will be sitting at this computer again, writing these words for you.

Firstly, the weather. In some months it is too cold to go for walks without wearing several jackets and a heavy sweater. And even when you go about doing this, you still have to suffer with a runny nose. Someone might even slip on some ice and sprain an ankle. It's very discomforting.

Secondly, weed is illegal. It definitely should be legal.

Thirdly, we don't have as many good burger places as the US does. They have Karls Jr, Sonic and WhiteCastle. Sure we have McDonalds and BK. But is that enough?

Fourthly, we don't have icees (pronounced: I'sees). At american gas stations it is common to have both slurpees and icees. Icees start to foam and fill up the cup upon pouring, much like the foam head of a beer. They're pretty good. Although i think i still like slurpees more.

Fifthly, we don't have the nationalism and patriotism of the US. They all know the words to several different nationalistic anthems and chants. They all proudly salute the flag upon every opportunity. Once a year they get together and have enormous BBQ's in celebration of the founding fathers. And because they have all this love for their country, they believe they are always right and their values represent some international truth. Much like a man that is in love with a woman, yet still beats her and mistreats her when she does something wrong; and then he can't find out why she has no confidence left to succeed in life, eventually this woman needs her violent husband more than anything else in this world, because she knows no other way of operating. I wish Canada could go around and shove its nonchalance down the throat of some Middle Eastern Nations. Maybe we should beat the US to the punch and invade Iran. Or maybe we should just be happy that we have enough things to love in our lives, that we don't need to love our country in an obsessive or violent manner. We can love our country for its people, nature and beauty rather than the ideals and concepts it was founded on. Because politics and government is boring. But a a mountainside landscape with spring creeks pouring down into rapid-filled rivers; that is something worth shoving down someone else's throat. Democracy can taste terrible on some tongues, but nature is always a delicious treat.

Plans for a Back Seat Taxi Whore Part 2

Recently i met another Back Seat Taxi Whore. This one was much more interesting. She was of the Ba'hai faith and she is also a poet. I'm in talks with Michael Crichton to help me write the post sometime in the future. Check back for it sometime next week... or maybe later

guerrilla warfare tactic for 'the inevitable Edmonton Invasion'

We Drive to excactly halfway between the cities of Edmonton and Red Deer on the highway that connects the two. At that excact point, we reconstruct the city of Red Deer. All you need to do is reconstruct Gasoline Alley, because that is all you can see of Red Deer from the highway. We then go down to the northern outskirts of actual Red Deer, and try to recreate the northern end of calgary. The day of the inevitable invasion, we set up a large amount of forces on the north end of the city, to prevent the Edmontonians from driving into the actual city of Red Deer, and realizing it's not truly Calgary. While they battle it out on the northern skirts of Red Deer, we go to Edmonton and destroy the heart of the city: Professor Wem's Adventure Mini Golf.
Once we have taken out the professor and his evil ways of dictatorship and capitalism, the Edmontonians will have no choice but to return to their city, and reconstruct a new Proffesor Wem from the rubble. The original Professor Wem's is a marvel of modern Edmontonian culture. Ralph Klein lobbied the United Nations to have it considered one of the 8 Wonders of the World. Constructed over the course of some generations, it stands the fantastic feat of being 18 holes of indoor adventure and glory. Alongside other great models of modern Edmontonian civilization such as an indoor waterslide park and an indoor rollercoaster, Professor Wem's has earned it's reputation as the only major West Edmonton Mall attraction that has not killed anyone; unlike the disastrous roller coaster incident of 72, and the unfortunate drowning incident in the waterpark in 1995.

Uncertainty visualized

Here's that note I wrote I was talking about. I didn't feel like thinking hard enough to write something new.

I was just sitting in bed a moment ago, staring into space when I had a strange sensation... well more of a waking hallucination than anything, a lucid daydream. I had the odd feeling that anyone would recognize, that of a sudden random anxiety, similar to how you feel when you know you've done something horrible and simply cant suppress the memory, but in a vague, full body sort of way.

I tried to think back, had I done anything to lead me down this thought path? The answer was no, I hadn't. Thoughts of events and people drifted through my mind lazily, in that half asleep idle our brain hits when we've been up for nearly 24 hours and haven't quite dozed off. And then the root of the feeling I was experiencing came into focus. I had the sudden sensation that I was on the edge of a circle, two dimensional but living in a complete three dimensional world, a round expanse of blue on an enormous expanse of dull gray. I was standing with my chest thrust out in front of me, in front of the dull universe of my limited dream. Every time I've had this feeling of unrest, this pattern of random confusion yet headstrong direction has been there, I just hadn't realized it until now. Does this imagery connect to anything else?

I haven't really had the feeling lately of some epic event on the horizon, but in this imagery and more and more in my daily life I feel like I'm on the edge of something, literally heart first, as if I'm not even factoring my mind and thought into it. Am I suddenly reckless? Lost? It's a very difficult thing, self analysis, but abstract imagery that reveals too much about inner thoughts is absolutely terrifying. Studying yourself is impossible, in fact there's a phrase I've read about our mind that puts it all together,

Our brain is the most complicated thing in our known universe, and yet our brain can never understand itself

So does this mean that we'll never understand why we think the way we do? Does this mean that the huge gray field in my minds eye is my own brain? Is that blue circle simply a comfort zone I can throw myself out of? The way I imagined this scene, the circle had a clear divisive line, a border that holds you from the new dimension of depth and time and ties you down in the blue circle of flatness and circular repetition. If that line was gone, I could simply fall into my own head and either be forever granted with the key to my own mind, or in my own optimism, I may have ignored the color of this third dimension. Would I be leaping into a shabby prison, where the mystery of my own thoughts is gone?

I mean really, what's more intoxicating than complete understanding? Would we even exist as a race if we were capable of understanding ourselves, or would we simply sit in one place, lost in the ecstasy of uninhibited thought?

Plan for the inevitable Edmonton invasion

Edmonton not only should invade Calgary, but I predict it will happen by the end of 2008. The questions that need to be answered are:

• Which parts of the city should we sacrifice as human shields?
• How can we protect the only good part of the city (the south)?
• Should we even bother stopping Edmonton from destroying the north?

So, basically, any part of the north is either total garbage, or full of stupid rich douchebags who will make ideal human shields due to the strong and expensive fabric their suits and evening gowns are made out of. The poor people who flee to the south for salvation will be used as missiles in our catapults. Thus we should ignore the invasion of Calgary until it reaches the bow river, and we can even build a wall out of all the dead bodies we'll collect from forest lawn. It's a well known fact that Asians build the best walls, so we should enlist the aid of china town in the great-bow-river-anti-edmonton-and-poor-people wall.

As for strategy, after the wall is built, we can cut their ranks down with guerrilla tactics, like poisoning their food and exploding their women. Edmontonians are for the most part... retarded, so it should be an easy battle. We'll load all the forest lawn people into the catapults and have a war of attrition (to quote Marc) until there's so few of them we can take battleships across the Bow and open fire with guns that shoot 100 dollar bills and flaming oil.

To answer the third question, no, we should not.

Now the main reason I think Edmonton should destroy exactly half of Calgary is so I never have to wait in line again for a bar, and so I dont have to be worried about getting shot in the chest whenever I walk around Downtown. We all know the crips and the bloods come from north calgary. This city needs exactly 500000 less people

SO: invade us edmonton with your flame tanks and ultralisks

The Olsen Twins, and how we can conserve them in their natural habitat.

The Spotted Olsen is a rare and industrious animal, who until this time has gone largely ignored by biologists and zoologists. This odd creature frequently travels in pairs, with an almost uncanny resemblance to other members of its species. Several zoologists have remarked that it is almost impossible to determine one Spotted Olsen from the other.

In recent study of the Spotted Olsen's behavior, scientists have observed that the Olsens bushy coat becomes much thicker in response to the cold winter months. Thickly furred, the Spotted Olsen is a formidable prey to the inhabitants of their natural habitat, namely 40 year old school teachers and 50 year old men who observed them in the "full house" ecosystem in the species early evolution. As a defense against these predators, the Spotted Olsen is known to lay motionless on its back and wake up several hours later with a coke hangover and the number to an abortion clinic. This has proven an effective defense, as the constant challenging has toughened the skin of the Spotted Olsen to an orange, fake tan-like consistency, capable of stopping damaging jets of liquid and small arms fire.

Conserving the Spotted Olsen is a difficult challenge. This species has proved most difficult to observe, and is most often sighted in small niches, such as Motels and Bathroom Stalls. Naturally, with more observation and understanding, we may begin to comprehend the complicated lifestyle of the Spotted Olsen. Indeed, scientists have found that the Spotted Olsen is very susceptible to a human designed compound known as "peach schnapps" and will almost always result in complete shedding of this animals multicolored and often thick coat. As this species ages, we can only remark upon their incredible mating habits and odd behavior, and pray that through understanding we may someday rescue this species from the brink of extinction.

Back Seat Taxi Whore

One day this past summer i was going home from a party in a taxi. It was some other girls taxi, but i hopped on board looking to get away from this party and back to my home to get some sleep before work the next morning. I promised to bring her to a convenience store with an ATM so that she could get some money to pay the taxi driver with. I brought her to the Mac's close to my house and she commenced to withdraw cash from the ATM. I went inside with her and after a short visit with the store owner Aurora, i told my female taxi companion that I lived close by, and that i would just walk home from there. "Do you want me to pay for some of the taxi" I asked her. "No" she replied. "Well Thanks a lot" i said back. I then left and went home to the comfort of my bed. But to this day i still regret not giving this girl a little bit of money for the taxi. What if she spent all her weekly allowance on cab-fare home. I'm such a selfish dick. I can not believe myself. If i ever meet this girl again, i would like to buy her coffee and a muffin, just to show my gratitude for her kind soul. Not as repayment. But just as a random act of kindness.

I was so drunk and baked that night, that i don't remember what she even looks like. Neither does she likely remember my handsome face... actually, she probably does; she probably dreams of it every night before she goes to bed. Those dreams were first erotic, but now they have turned to nightmares. Nightmares of me as a homeless bum mugging her in the downtown streets of calgary. "Any change, my darling" I call out. "Hey, do you remember me" she asks. "No, who the fuck are you." She gets shocked and offended, looking away in disgust she tries to leave me to my panhandling. "Give me your purse lady" I shout out. I run up to her and try to snatch it out of her arms. She at first refuses to relinquish the tight grasp on her purse, but soon she realizes my strength and endless desire for her money. Not just any money, but the money that she had been working for and saving all summer long. It gave me pleasure knowing that i was stealing this particular girls money. Far more pleasure than if some businessman with his windsor knot and polished shoes wrote me a cheque for ten-thousand dollars and put it in my hat. yes, this girls money was much more valuable to me. This is exciting, exhilirating and maybe even a little erotic. Because afterall, this is only a dream. A nightmare this poor girl is having, based on erotic dreams that she had a few months earlier.

I take the purse to an ATM far away from my crime scene. I look for her credit cards; she has two of them. I max both of them out. "Best two thousand dollars I have ever made" I tell myself.

Hookers as a cure for aids, also things I need at christmas

Using hookers as a research tool is the only simple way to cure AIDS. What we need to do is get as many hookers (preferably ugly hookers) and isolate them along with as many male aids patients as we can find. Eventually genetics and evolution should prevail, and the cure for aids will be found on this isolated hooker island (preferably in japan, for legal reasons and their openness to weird sex). Give it 5 generations and we'll have a super-human AIDS resistant kid that we can clone and harvest like a ripe bell pepper full of antibodies. I was just reading something about a university of texas professor who supports killing off 90% of the worlds population with ebola who may be able to help us. Note to self.

- A nice toque, nitted possibly
- A zippo, with my name on it or something. Or the Daft Punk logo
- An iPod to replace the one that started exploding this summer
- My traffic tickets paid

Recently me and my friend Carly have started plans to open a student-to-artist transitional gallery in calgary, and the main thing I want for christmas is 20 grande and a government license.

-any amount of books by ernest hemingway
-a good dictionary and thesauras. the dictionary should preferably be hardcover.
-the family minivan
-one of those tim hortons gift cards.
-a rain jacket very similar to the one dad has from MEC. blue or black. or the MEC ferrata hoodie. probably need a large: black. think about ordering it online. won't take very long to deliver. i dont mind if it comes late.
-Tea... delicious varieties of tea.
-Rum
-A nice lighter, but not too nice because i will lose it very quickly.

Discrepancy in Asian and White Prostitute Prices

In Canada, it is common to pay a white prostitute 200 dollars for one hour. It is my assumption that these women were once bright eyed young girls with the dream of being pornstars. Through years of failed auditions and starring roles in second tier porn films always involving gangbangs and anal, they have switched to a more lucrative role. Many white collared office workers would have a tough time accumulating as much money as some of these hard working women. Hopefully the girls are smart enough to save money, because once they reach the age of 32 they will no longer be desirable sexually, and will likely have a tough time giving it away for free. But age isn't the main worry of these prostitutes. It's often the chinese girls that are willing to do the job for much less.
Asian prostitutes are often business saavy lonely girls without much english language skills that have a very difficult time making friends in this foreign country. They surround themselves with other Asian people, and end up living in Canada but speaking their own language and rarely conversing with the scary white inhabitants of this native land. They advertise their services as "Asian Massage" and charge 100 dollars for an hour. Because of their poor language skills, you can talk as dirty as you want to them, because they have no idea what you are saying. When they utter Chinese phrases to you, it is best to just nod your head in agreeance; it makes them feel more comfortable that way.
We have to stop these Asians from undercutting their white competition. These Asian girls have not yet realized that when they reach the age of 32, they will no longer be able to provide a service to any able-sighted man. White prostitutes are being put out of business, unable to afford their upscale luxury condos, having to settle for single bedroom bungalos in undesirable parts of the city. And that's just not fair.