The Paris Hilton effect

Lately I've come to realize two things. The first is that my left ear is slightly smaller than the right. The second is that if enough people tell you someone is good looking, you mindlessly believe it. Let me give you some examples.

Our first witness is Drew Berrymore. Movies like Charlies Angels have led us to believe that she is, in fact, a beautiful woman. She is, in fact, not. Look at her closely with fresh eyes and you'll see exactly what I mean. She's a million times less attractive than a lot of people I go to school with, on and on the hollywood ladder she's the guy on the ground making sure the hot people don't fall off the top.

Our second witness is Angelina Jolie. She's starved herself to death, she's like 4'9" and so many people are convinced she's gorgeous that even the intelligent readers of our blog will believe it. She's gone from meh to terrifying. That creature in Beowulf with the fucked up skin was way sexier than she is in real life. Brad Pitt, I hope you kept Jennifer Annistans number you crazy fucker.

Our third witness is every man in a TV show, movie, or play. King of queens, for example. That guy is hardly a catch. His wife however, is quite attractive, albeit annoying. There's no chance in hell he could snag that ass in real life, and we all know it. How about Everybody Loves Raymond? Seinfeld? You think George can actually pull all that tail? No chance. No chance at all. Fame = attractive for men, Gossip = attractive for women.

So that's my beef. If you're famous and ugly, stop casting yourself beside attractive people and stick to the ugly fuckers you belong with.

UPDATE: Jeremy Clarkson, a British celebrity, has brought up a likely contender for this theory: Sarah Jessica Parker. In fact, he compared her to a boiled horse. He was using her as a metaphor for an ugly Ferrari, but nonetheless, I've been proven right again.