The Olsen Twins, and how we can conserve them in their natural habitat.

The Spotted Olsen is a rare and industrious animal, who until this time has gone largely ignored by biologists and zoologists. This odd creature frequently travels in pairs, with an almost uncanny resemblance to other members of its species. Several zoologists have remarked that it is almost impossible to determine one Spotted Olsen from the other.

In recent study of the Spotted Olsen's behavior, scientists have observed that the Olsens bushy coat becomes much thicker in response to the cold winter months. Thickly furred, the Spotted Olsen is a formidable prey to the inhabitants of their natural habitat, namely 40 year old school teachers and 50 year old men who observed them in the "full house" ecosystem in the species early evolution. As a defense against these predators, the Spotted Olsen is known to lay motionless on its back and wake up several hours later with a coke hangover and the number to an abortion clinic. This has proven an effective defense, as the constant challenging has toughened the skin of the Spotted Olsen to an orange, fake tan-like consistency, capable of stopping damaging jets of liquid and small arms fire.

Conserving the Spotted Olsen is a difficult challenge. This species has proved most difficult to observe, and is most often sighted in small niches, such as Motels and Bathroom Stalls. Naturally, with more observation and understanding, we may begin to comprehend the complicated lifestyle of the Spotted Olsen. Indeed, scientists have found that the Spotted Olsen is very susceptible to a human designed compound known as "peach schnapps" and will almost always result in complete shedding of this animals multicolored and often thick coat. As this species ages, we can only remark upon their incredible mating habits and odd behavior, and pray that through understanding we may someday rescue this species from the brink of extinction.

Back Seat Taxi Whore

One day this past summer i was going home from a party in a taxi. It was some other girls taxi, but i hopped on board looking to get away from this party and back to my home to get some sleep before work the next morning. I promised to bring her to a convenience store with an ATM so that she could get some money to pay the taxi driver with. I brought her to the Mac's close to my house and she commenced to withdraw cash from the ATM. I went inside with her and after a short visit with the store owner Aurora, i told my female taxi companion that I lived close by, and that i would just walk home from there. "Do you want me to pay for some of the taxi" I asked her. "No" she replied. "Well Thanks a lot" i said back. I then left and went home to the comfort of my bed. But to this day i still regret not giving this girl a little bit of money for the taxi. What if she spent all her weekly allowance on cab-fare home. I'm such a selfish dick. I can not believe myself. If i ever meet this girl again, i would like to buy her coffee and a muffin, just to show my gratitude for her kind soul. Not as repayment. But just as a random act of kindness.

I was so drunk and baked that night, that i don't remember what she even looks like. Neither does she likely remember my handsome face... actually, she probably does; she probably dreams of it every night before she goes to bed. Those dreams were first erotic, but now they have turned to nightmares. Nightmares of me as a homeless bum mugging her in the downtown streets of calgary. "Any change, my darling" I call out. "Hey, do you remember me" she asks. "No, who the fuck are you." She gets shocked and offended, looking away in disgust she tries to leave me to my panhandling. "Give me your purse lady" I shout out. I run up to her and try to snatch it out of her arms. She at first refuses to relinquish the tight grasp on her purse, but soon she realizes my strength and endless desire for her money. Not just any money, but the money that she had been working for and saving all summer long. It gave me pleasure knowing that i was stealing this particular girls money. Far more pleasure than if some businessman with his windsor knot and polished shoes wrote me a cheque for ten-thousand dollars and put it in my hat. yes, this girls money was much more valuable to me. This is exciting, exhilirating and maybe even a little erotic. Because afterall, this is only a dream. A nightmare this poor girl is having, based on erotic dreams that she had a few months earlier.

I take the purse to an ATM far away from my crime scene. I look for her credit cards; she has two of them. I max both of them out. "Best two thousand dollars I have ever made" I tell myself.

Hookers as a cure for aids, also things I need at christmas

Using hookers as a research tool is the only simple way to cure AIDS. What we need to do is get as many hookers (preferably ugly hookers) and isolate them along with as many male aids patients as we can find. Eventually genetics and evolution should prevail, and the cure for aids will be found on this isolated hooker island (preferably in japan, for legal reasons and their openness to weird sex). Give it 5 generations and we'll have a super-human AIDS resistant kid that we can clone and harvest like a ripe bell pepper full of antibodies. I was just reading something about a university of texas professor who supports killing off 90% of the worlds population with ebola who may be able to help us. Note to self.

- A nice toque, nitted possibly
- A zippo, with my name on it or something. Or the Daft Punk logo
- An iPod to replace the one that started exploding this summer
- My traffic tickets paid

Recently me and my friend Carly have started plans to open a student-to-artist transitional gallery in calgary, and the main thing I want for christmas is 20 grande and a government license.

-any amount of books by ernest hemingway
-a good dictionary and thesauras. the dictionary should preferably be hardcover.
-the family minivan
-one of those tim hortons gift cards.
-a rain jacket very similar to the one dad has from MEC. blue or black. or the MEC ferrata hoodie. probably need a large: black. think about ordering it online. won't take very long to deliver. i dont mind if it comes late.
-Tea... delicious varieties of tea.
-Rum
-A nice lighter, but not too nice because i will lose it very quickly.

Discrepancy in Asian and White Prostitute Prices

In Canada, it is common to pay a white prostitute 200 dollars for one hour. It is my assumption that these women were once bright eyed young girls with the dream of being pornstars. Through years of failed auditions and starring roles in second tier porn films always involving gangbangs and anal, they have switched to a more lucrative role. Many white collared office workers would have a tough time accumulating as much money as some of these hard working women. Hopefully the girls are smart enough to save money, because once they reach the age of 32 they will no longer be desirable sexually, and will likely have a tough time giving it away for free. But age isn't the main worry of these prostitutes. It's often the chinese girls that are willing to do the job for much less.
Asian prostitutes are often business saavy lonely girls without much english language skills that have a very difficult time making friends in this foreign country. They surround themselves with other Asian people, and end up living in Canada but speaking their own language and rarely conversing with the scary white inhabitants of this native land. They advertise their services as "Asian Massage" and charge 100 dollars for an hour. Because of their poor language skills, you can talk as dirty as you want to them, because they have no idea what you are saying. When they utter Chinese phrases to you, it is best to just nod your head in agreeance; it makes them feel more comfortable that way.
We have to stop these Asians from undercutting their white competition. These Asian girls have not yet realized that when they reach the age of 32, they will no longer be able to provide a service to any able-sighted man. White prostitutes are being put out of business, unable to afford their upscale luxury condos, having to settle for single bedroom bungalos in undesirable parts of the city. And that's just not fair.