Olivia Wilde: The Hotness Factor: Round 1

Alright, this is round 1 of a new segment that I have started advertising about, on another one of my many (2) blogs. Olivia first wooed us back in Grade 12, as the sexy Alex that made out with Misha Barton before Micha's tragic automobile-death-accident in the hands of Antoin Volchenkov and Danny Heatley. She pushed the boundaries of television with the first lesbian kiss on that show. Now she stars as the sexy number 13 in the television show "House." I don't think I'll ever get sick and tired of House poking fun at Olivia's wild and majestic beauty. I give her an 8.6 on the hottness scale. And i am considering bumping her to a 9 if the writers of house make her have a lesbian kiss with Cameron. Maybe we can make that part of the Writers Strike Settlement.

Everything that's wrong with Canada

This will not be an easy list to compile. However i will strive to finish it over the next week. One should keep in mind my current conception that time is not linear but cyclical. That all the planets will one day align themselves before us the exact same way they are currently aligned, and that in that instant i will be sitting at this computer again, writing these words for you.

Firstly, the weather. In some months it is too cold to go for walks without wearing several jackets and a heavy sweater. And even when you go about doing this, you still have to suffer with a runny nose. Someone might even slip on some ice and sprain an ankle. It's very discomforting.

Secondly, weed is illegal. It definitely should be legal.

Thirdly, we don't have as many good burger places as the US does. They have Karls Jr, Sonic and WhiteCastle. Sure we have McDonalds and BK. But is that enough?

Fourthly, we don't have icees (pronounced: I'sees). At american gas stations it is common to have both slurpees and icees. Icees start to foam and fill up the cup upon pouring, much like the foam head of a beer. They're pretty good. Although i think i still like slurpees more.

Fifthly, we don't have the nationalism and patriotism of the US. They all know the words to several different nationalistic anthems and chants. They all proudly salute the flag upon every opportunity. Once a year they get together and have enormous BBQ's in celebration of the founding fathers. And because they have all this love for their country, they believe they are always right and their values represent some international truth. Much like a man that is in love with a woman, yet still beats her and mistreats her when she does something wrong; and then he can't find out why she has no confidence left to succeed in life, eventually this woman needs her violent husband more than anything else in this world, because she knows no other way of operating. I wish Canada could go around and shove its nonchalance down the throat of some Middle Eastern Nations. Maybe we should beat the US to the punch and invade Iran. Or maybe we should just be happy that we have enough things to love in our lives, that we don't need to love our country in an obsessive or violent manner. We can love our country for its people, nature and beauty rather than the ideals and concepts it was founded on. Because politics and government is boring. But a a mountainside landscape with spring creeks pouring down into rapid-filled rivers; that is something worth shoving down someone else's throat. Democracy can taste terrible on some tongues, but nature is always a delicious treat.

Plans for a Back Seat Taxi Whore Part 2

Recently i met another Back Seat Taxi Whore. This one was much more interesting. She was of the Ba'hai faith and she is also a poet. I'm in talks with Michael Crichton to help me write the post sometime in the future. Check back for it sometime next week... or maybe later

guerrilla warfare tactic for 'the inevitable Edmonton Invasion'

We Drive to excactly halfway between the cities of Edmonton and Red Deer on the highway that connects the two. At that excact point, we reconstruct the city of Red Deer. All you need to do is reconstruct Gasoline Alley, because that is all you can see of Red Deer from the highway. We then go down to the northern outskirts of actual Red Deer, and try to recreate the northern end of calgary. The day of the inevitable invasion, we set up a large amount of forces on the north end of the city, to prevent the Edmontonians from driving into the actual city of Red Deer, and realizing it's not truly Calgary. While they battle it out on the northern skirts of Red Deer, we go to Edmonton and destroy the heart of the city: Professor Wem's Adventure Mini Golf.
Once we have taken out the professor and his evil ways of dictatorship and capitalism, the Edmontonians will have no choice but to return to their city, and reconstruct a new Proffesor Wem from the rubble. The original Professor Wem's is a marvel of modern Edmontonian culture. Ralph Klein lobbied the United Nations to have it considered one of the 8 Wonders of the World. Constructed over the course of some generations, it stands the fantastic feat of being 18 holes of indoor adventure and glory. Alongside other great models of modern Edmontonian civilization such as an indoor waterslide park and an indoor rollercoaster, Professor Wem's has earned it's reputation as the only major West Edmonton Mall attraction that has not killed anyone; unlike the disastrous roller coaster incident of 72, and the unfortunate drowning incident in the waterpark in 1995.

Uncertainty visualized

Here's that note I wrote I was talking about. I didn't feel like thinking hard enough to write something new.

I was just sitting in bed a moment ago, staring into space when I had a strange sensation... well more of a waking hallucination than anything, a lucid daydream. I had the odd feeling that anyone would recognize, that of a sudden random anxiety, similar to how you feel when you know you've done something horrible and simply cant suppress the memory, but in a vague, full body sort of way.

I tried to think back, had I done anything to lead me down this thought path? The answer was no, I hadn't. Thoughts of events and people drifted through my mind lazily, in that half asleep idle our brain hits when we've been up for nearly 24 hours and haven't quite dozed off. And then the root of the feeling I was experiencing came into focus. I had the sudden sensation that I was on the edge of a circle, two dimensional but living in a complete three dimensional world, a round expanse of blue on an enormous expanse of dull gray. I was standing with my chest thrust out in front of me, in front of the dull universe of my limited dream. Every time I've had this feeling of unrest, this pattern of random confusion yet headstrong direction has been there, I just hadn't realized it until now. Does this imagery connect to anything else?

I haven't really had the feeling lately of some epic event on the horizon, but in this imagery and more and more in my daily life I feel like I'm on the edge of something, literally heart first, as if I'm not even factoring my mind and thought into it. Am I suddenly reckless? Lost? It's a very difficult thing, self analysis, but abstract imagery that reveals too much about inner thoughts is absolutely terrifying. Studying yourself is impossible, in fact there's a phrase I've read about our mind that puts it all together,

Our brain is the most complicated thing in our known universe, and yet our brain can never understand itself

So does this mean that we'll never understand why we think the way we do? Does this mean that the huge gray field in my minds eye is my own brain? Is that blue circle simply a comfort zone I can throw myself out of? The way I imagined this scene, the circle had a clear divisive line, a border that holds you from the new dimension of depth and time and ties you down in the blue circle of flatness and circular repetition. If that line was gone, I could simply fall into my own head and either be forever granted with the key to my own mind, or in my own optimism, I may have ignored the color of this third dimension. Would I be leaping into a shabby prison, where the mystery of my own thoughts is gone?

I mean really, what's more intoxicating than complete understanding? Would we even exist as a race if we were capable of understanding ourselves, or would we simply sit in one place, lost in the ecstasy of uninhibited thought?

Plan for the inevitable Edmonton invasion

Edmonton not only should invade Calgary, but I predict it will happen by the end of 2008. The questions that need to be answered are:

• Which parts of the city should we sacrifice as human shields?
• How can we protect the only good part of the city (the south)?
• Should we even bother stopping Edmonton from destroying the north?

So, basically, any part of the north is either total garbage, or full of stupid rich douchebags who will make ideal human shields due to the strong and expensive fabric their suits and evening gowns are made out of. The poor people who flee to the south for salvation will be used as missiles in our catapults. Thus we should ignore the invasion of Calgary until it reaches the bow river, and we can even build a wall out of all the dead bodies we'll collect from forest lawn. It's a well known fact that Asians build the best walls, so we should enlist the aid of china town in the great-bow-river-anti-edmonton-and-poor-people wall.

As for strategy, after the wall is built, we can cut their ranks down with guerrilla tactics, like poisoning their food and exploding their women. Edmontonians are for the most part... retarded, so it should be an easy battle. We'll load all the forest lawn people into the catapults and have a war of attrition (to quote Marc) until there's so few of them we can take battleships across the Bow and open fire with guns that shoot 100 dollar bills and flaming oil.

To answer the third question, no, we should not.

Now the main reason I think Edmonton should destroy exactly half of Calgary is so I never have to wait in line again for a bar, and so I dont have to be worried about getting shot in the chest whenever I walk around Downtown. We all know the crips and the bloods come from north calgary. This city needs exactly 500000 less people

SO: invade us edmonton with your flame tanks and ultralisks